Grief

So I absolutely haven't been handling my grief very well lately. I am SO angry and it seems to be escaping around all of the people that I love the most. Most importantly, I keep lashing out at my poor husband. He has been so patient with me and I know that he must be grieving, too, but he is keeping it together much better than I am. It it breaking my heart. Well, correction, my heart is already in a million pieces. I don't know how to put it back together again. I cry all of the time. I want my baby girl back SOOO badly. I do not know how people move on from these kinds of losses. The only time of day that I am able to be semi-happy is when I'm with my beautiful son. He is the light of my life in this dark & dreary time. I am SO blessed to have him. So blessed that he "made the cut" and survived to be my living, breathing, beautiful child. It almost makes my gender desire go away. But now I've invested too much time, too much money, and too much emotionally to walk away. And I still want a daughter. But at what cost? I'm not sure...

I hope you enjoy the new playlist I added to my blog. The songs are all dedicated to my angel baby.

Bleeding

The actual miscarriage began today. It is a lot different than I expected. Passed several large clots and it has been extremely heavy bleeding. Although the heaviness seems to comes and go. I feel so very sad. And also a little bit empty. I just feel so extremely depressed. I try to do fun things, especially with DS, to take my mind off of things but it is always temporary. Anytime I have some time alone (even if I'm just alone in my head) I can't stop thinking about the baby girl that I lost and the pregnancy that will never be. I just want all of the pain to be over. I want to have moved on from this. I am sure that the only way I will ever truly move on is to become pregnant again (and STAY pregnant). However I do not want to rush into it.

We are planning some fun vacations to start making "happy memories" to replace some of the horrible ones that have occurred lately. Hopefully it works. It if means pushing back my next FET to June instead of May... so be it. I think all of the waiting and disappointment has finally gotten rid of my impatience. I just finally realized... I'm in NO rush. I am not RACING anyone. I am YOUNG. My son is still a "baby" in my eyes (even though he'll be 2 in less than 3 months). There is plenty of time for a nice AGE GAP between my babies. I always said I wanted them 2-3 years apart. If I am closer to 3 years than 2... SO WHAT? What's the different? Honestly, it's probably easier to have a baby with a 3 year old running around than a 2 year old. Kids seem to get less "needy" the older they get. At least DS is getting less needy. He is definitely getting his "terrible two's attitude" as I call it... but he is growing more and more independent every day and saying more and more words.

The point I'm trying to make is... I have the TIME. Whether or not I have the emotional energy to keep going... that is a different story. But time I have. I don't know how to survive another miscarriage should that occur... but I am working to prevent that. I already filled out a questionnaire for Dr. Braverman to get a consult and maybe do some immune testing on myself. We shall see where that goes. If it is going to add thousands more dollars to the already growing bill I have accumulated... I might have to pass on his recommendations and take my chances... but I just want to give it a shot.

But for now I am just focusing on healing. Healing my body. Healing my mind. Healing my heart. The rest will come.

Miscarriage

Well, just a quick update. At 7 weeks along, I had another u/s and baby girl actually had a heart beat. We were all shocked and amazed and nobody could explain it (since my betas were dropping and my baby was measuring a week behind). But we did another u/s at 8 weeks and baby hadn't grown at all (so by then she was 2 weeks behind) and her heart had stopped beating. So that settles that. I am just waiting now to start the actual miscarriage. We are giving it time to see if it will happen naturally and in 2 weeks or so we will consider inducing the miscarriage with meds (whatever they are).

Of course I'm devastated. I was actually prepared to hear that she was "gone" at the 7 week u/s, but when I heard she had a HB, I didn't care that she measured "off"... I regained all of my hope and prayed and prayed but it wasn't enough. She just wasn't strong enough.

I'm not sure where to go from here. We are planning a few vacations to start creating some happy memories to counteract all of the bad we've formed recently. Hopefully it helps with the emotional pain. I've been reading books a lot to get my mind off of things, but the pain is always there. There are reminders everywhere and I cannot stop thinking about my angel baby girl.

Oh well, I know that when I finally have another baby (whether boy or girl) I will not wish things had gone any differently. I'll fall instantly in love with him or her and know that he/she was MEANT to be MY baby. So it's OK.

Not sure what we're going to in regards to IVF changes. Dr. T wants to stick with the same protocol and not change anything. No new testing or anything. I'm not sure I'm OK with this... I can't accept that we aren't going to change ANYTHING. To me, saying we're going to do the exact same thing makes me think that we will have the EXACT same results (either a BFN or another miscarriage). I want a chance. I want to test my body for reasons why this could have happened. I have considered consulting with Dr. Braverman in NYC who is a reproductive immunologist. He claims to have many tests and treatments for women with recurring pregnancy loss. I'm not sure I can justify the cost though. And Dr. Toledo doesn't even believe in immune testing/ treatment. He says that the "literature doesn't support it". Maybe that's true but I feel like I've got to do SOMETHING. I want a baby so badly and I cannot stand to go through another miscarriage again.

So we'll see. Right now there is nothing to do but sit and wait for the miscarriage to begin. Then we will move forward.

Limbo

Well, Dr. T called me yesterday and actually told me that he is still holding out hope for this pregnancy. He says that the betas are no reason to consider the pregnancy over and only an u/s next week will verify whether or not this is a viable pregnancy. Long story short... I'm getting another u/s on Tuesday. If there is a HB then we might be in good shape, but if there is no progression and no HB then it is over and I'll stop my meds. I do not think that my chances are very good for a happy ending, but it's better than the 0 hope I had Mon/Tues...

Chemical Pregnancy

Well, unfortunately, the title says it all. As my last post mentioned, I did in fact get pregnant. My first beta was 200, my second beta was over 3000!!!! Then my 3rd beta had only gone up to 5000. My first indication that something was wrong (the numbers should AT LEAST double every 2-3 days and that was 3 days later and hadn't doubled yet). So they had me draw a 4th beta on Monday and my level had dropped to 4000, indicating that I would lose the baby. They got me in for an ultrasound ASAP yesterday and it showed that the embryo had stopped progressing at 5w1d. Pretty much the exact day that my beta showed a sign of distress. I should have been 5w6d but the embryo was not there. And of course, there was no heartbeat. I am still awaiting further instructions from my RE regarding stopping the medications (yes, it is torture to be taking meds knowing that it is pointless), but my u/s was kinda late yesterday and I guess they did not get the report before they went home for the day. Hopefully I'll hear back soon and be allowed to discontinue all my medications so I can "pass" the baby and move on. I'm not exactly sure how long it will be until I am allowed to cycle again. And at this point I don't even have any more frozen healthy girls. We do have 17 frozen EGGS though and DH left a sperm sample that is on ice. So they will have to thaw the eggs, fertilize them, let them grow 5 days, biopsy them, freeze them again, await the biopsy results, then thaw them again for the transfer. Honestly, it seems like too much to ask of such fragile little eggs. I'm not sure what to expect with my next FET. We are considering putting back 2 embryos next time, but neither DH nor I want twins but I guess it might be a risk we are willing to take at this point. I cannot bare much more heartache and disappointment. Two babies would be better than none. I am obviously devastated and grieving. So I will update when I can, but I am going to try to relax and stop thinking about this so much b/c it just breaks my heart over and over again.

BFP

I can't believe it took me 3 days to post on the blog... but I got my BFP on Tuesday!!!!! I fell to the floor and started crying immediately!!! I am just still in shock that I will get to be pregnant again and with a baby girl (hopefully)!!!!! Life can't get much better than this!!! It is still very early, and I am only too aware of that... I know we have several hurdles to cross before I can relax and enjoy this pregnancy, but at least step 1 is over-- step 1 being our first beta! It was 200 @ 10dp5dt! Which is just perfect!!! I can only wish and pray that Monday's beta will be equally as promising!!! So scared about ALL the things that can still go wrong, but seeming as though this might be my last pregnancy ever I want to relax and enjoy it! But I know I won't fully relax until I see that tiny little heart beating away on the u/s in a few weeks. For now just wishing the time away until that big u/s day!!! Here are some beautiful BFP pictures!!!

1st BFPs at 8dp5dt on Tuesday 2/7/12 (Digi EPT and FRER)

Comparing BFPs from 8dp5dt and 9dp5dt

1 more day before POAS!

So tomorrow is the BIG day when I'll POAS and find out whether or not this worked and whether I am pregnant!!! In lieu of the big occasion I have updated my "pros & cons" list with some more "signs". Here is why I am so internally conflicted about whether or not I believe this has worked:

Pros:

- Acupuncture (weeks prior and before/after ET)

- Good lining measurements

- Endometrial biopsy to help lining

- On Lovenox (however, con is blood clotting issues…)

- Meditating daily (Circle + Bloom & Anji)

- DH assisted in Atlanta during ET (no lifting/took it easy)

- Coin flip landed on heads (good)

- On PIO instead of Crinone for better progesterone absorption (although levels low… so not working??)

- Cramps in uterus (could be meds or coughing muscles are sore) & sore boobies (could still be meds)

- Ate pineapple core daily post ET & had cayenne pepper on egg mcmuffin before ET for luck

- Had a dream that I was holding my baby girl

Cons:

- Cold/persistent dry cough/ thick nasal congestion on day of ET and week during POAS wait

- Low hormones (progesterone & estrogen)

- High TSH

- DS very stressful on Wednesday post ET (2dp5dt)

- Poor looking embryo (although RE said it was "excellent quality"... I think it didn't survive the thaw in as good of condition as it went into the thaw, just my idiot opinion)

- MTHFR Deficiency & Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis medical issues

- Had a dream that pregnancy test was negative (superstition)

So... as you can see... I WANT to think positive and tell myself this worked... but there are many things against me, too. I have acupuncture again today so hopefully that'll help me relax a little. And I'm trying to stay busy today. It has been SO hard to wait until 8dp5dt!! I am very proud that I haven't caved yet and POAS! I thought I would! Actually, today is the biggest day that I resisted. But that's only b/c I forced DH to hide all my home pregnancy tests where I couldn't find them!!! But now that I've already had my FMU (and SMU) I'm not worried about caving. If I'm gonna POAS I'm gonna do it right and use FMU (first morning urine). 

Well, I'm UBER nervous and UBER excited. All of my family members think that this worked. But they do not really understand the process. DH and I are cautiously optimistic... 

WISH ME LUCK TOMORROW!