Well, after my 3rd failure (well, 1st chemical after a miscarriage and a BFN)... we decided more testing was in order to discover why I am not staying pregnant. As recommended by both my RE and my RI I had an endometrial biopsy sent to Yale for an Endometrial Function Test. I received my results and they are not good. The test results were abnormal.
Basically it could mean 1 of a few things. Either BMI issue (not likely since I am at a healthy BMI), stress (who ISN'T stressed... no real treatment if this is the case), hydrosalpinx (hasn't been seen on any of my ultrasounds to date, so probably not the cause), or endometriosis or endometritis (scarring or inflammation of the uterine lining). Since the last 2 are the only real plausible and treatable causes my RE/RI decided that I need to start treatment for both asap.
The combined treatments are as follows: 3 months of Depo-Lupron (Lupron Depot) followed by 3 weeks of multi-antibiotic therapy. Then a natural period with a repeat endometrial function test to confirm that the treatment fixed the problem. HOPEFULLY if all goes well we will then proceed with a NATURAL FET after that.
Sooo we are looking at a 4-6 month wait before our next FET. Not to mention 3 months of misery on the Depo-Lupron (it puts you into artificial menopause... so hot flashes, night sweats, decreased libido, mood swings, etc...). So please say a prayer that I (and my family) survive the next 3 months in 1 piece.
I can't wait to post again about my next FET... hopefully it'll be a success after all this work.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Pink FET #3
First Update 6/20/12:
I start Lupron on June 27th (1 week from today!) and I also have an endometrial biopsy the same day with my local OB/GYN. Then the rundown goes something like this...
After Lupron I wait for my natural period to start (in my case it is usually 2 weeks after starting the Lupron), then around CD 1 I start the Estrace and gradually increase the dose. Also on CD 1 I start Lovenox & Baby Aspirin (ASA). 5 days prior to FET (CD 15) I start PIO injections, Medrol, & Doxy. Then on CD 20 I get my transfer!!! My best guess based on previous FET timing will be that the FET will be around August 6th. Of course I would absolutely LOVE IT if it were earlier than that, but this is my guesstimation.
Here's hoping that third times a charm! I really really really want it to work this time! I've always wanted an April baby and that is when my due date would fall if it works this time around!!! Fingers mega crossed!!! =)
Update 6/25/12:
Can time possibly move any slower??? I am SO ready for this FET!!! I start Lupron on Wednesday (6/27) and I also have an endometrial biopsy that day as well! FX this is THE cycle for us!!! =)
Update 6/27/12:
So today was a big day in the early phase of this FET! I started my Lupron this morning (YAY!). I also had my endometrial biopsy (which I forgot how uncomfortable that was). And lastly, I got a +OPK! So that means I am about 2 weeks away from my next period starting, and thus, the real "thick" of this FET. If things keep going well... I may be looking at a transfer more around August 1st or 2nd instead of the 6th or 7th. Here's hoping!!! Every little bit counts! I'm SO ready to get my baby girl in there! And praying SO much that she sticks!
Update 7/13/12:
So I FINALLY started my period today (I was truly beginning to think would never happen!) which means we finally have an official transfer date! I start my Estrace, baby ASA, and Lovenox tomorrow, and my transfer will be on August 2nd! I will find out what time the night before. So... WOO HOO! Less than 3 weeks now!!!
Update 7/23/12:
I had my lining check today and it was at 8mm and there were only small cysts on my ovaries (which is good considering I have PCOS ovaries and sometimes the cysts grow to 20, 30mm). It was the longest DA of my life! 3.5 hours waiting!!! Long story short, they call it "Decision Day" there and they have it once a month and it is super crowded...remind me to ask next time I schedule an appointment if it is "Decision Day" so I can avoid it! Erg! I have been working on arranging my Intralipid infusion and hopefully will get that done this week sometime or early next week per Dr. B's instructions. Other than that things are looking good! Just gotta make it 10 more days and then I'll be PUPO! Hopefully! I cannot wait!
Update 7/31/12:
2 more days!!! We leave for Atlanta tomorrow!!!! I am SOOO excited!!! Uber nervous of course, too, but trying to focus on the hope and excitement b/c those are much more positive emotions than anxiety and nervousness!! I'll update again soon!!!
Update 8/15/12:
So I guess I've been too down in the dumps to update... but I had my FET on August 2nd and everything went as perfectly as it could. 7 days later I got a super duper faint positive home pregnancy test. So the next day (8dp5dt) I went in for a beta HCG and it was 7... so not a great number. Had a repeat test on Monday and it was 2. So it was a chemical pregnancy. So sad. We are just moving forward now (again). Maybe doing a natural FET next since it's the only thing we haven't tried. Have a consult with Dr. B on Aug 31st to see if he has any new ideas to check why I'm still losing babies. I guess I'll update once I know something new. Just waiting for AF to start so we can move on.
I start Lupron on June 27th (1 week from today!) and I also have an endometrial biopsy the same day with my local OB/GYN. Then the rundown goes something like this...
After Lupron I wait for my natural period to start (in my case it is usually 2 weeks after starting the Lupron), then around CD 1 I start the Estrace and gradually increase the dose. Also on CD 1 I start Lovenox & Baby Aspirin (ASA). 5 days prior to FET (CD 15) I start PIO injections, Medrol, & Doxy. Then on CD 20 I get my transfer!!! My best guess based on previous FET timing will be that the FET will be around August 6th. Of course I would absolutely LOVE IT if it were earlier than that, but this is my guesstimation.
Here's hoping that third times a charm! I really really really want it to work this time! I've always wanted an April baby and that is when my due date would fall if it works this time around!!! Fingers mega crossed!!! =)
Update 6/25/12:
Can time possibly move any slower??? I am SO ready for this FET!!! I start Lupron on Wednesday (6/27) and I also have an endometrial biopsy that day as well! FX this is THE cycle for us!!! =)
Update 6/27/12:
So today was a big day in the early phase of this FET! I started my Lupron this morning (YAY!). I also had my endometrial biopsy (which I forgot how uncomfortable that was). And lastly, I got a +OPK! So that means I am about 2 weeks away from my next period starting, and thus, the real "thick" of this FET. If things keep going well... I may be looking at a transfer more around August 1st or 2nd instead of the 6th or 7th. Here's hoping!!! Every little bit counts! I'm SO ready to get my baby girl in there! And praying SO much that she sticks!
Update 7/13/12:
So I FINALLY started my period today (I was truly beginning to think would never happen!) which means we finally have an official transfer date! I start my Estrace, baby ASA, and Lovenox tomorrow, and my transfer will be on August 2nd! I will find out what time the night before. So... WOO HOO! Less than 3 weeks now!!!
Update 7/23/12:
I had my lining check today and it was at 8mm and there were only small cysts on my ovaries (which is good considering I have PCOS ovaries and sometimes the cysts grow to 20, 30mm). It was the longest DA of my life! 3.5 hours waiting!!! Long story short, they call it "Decision Day" there and they have it once a month and it is super crowded...remind me to ask next time I schedule an appointment if it is "Decision Day" so I can avoid it! Erg! I have been working on arranging my Intralipid infusion and hopefully will get that done this week sometime or early next week per Dr. B's instructions. Other than that things are looking good! Just gotta make it 10 more days and then I'll be PUPO! Hopefully! I cannot wait!
Update 7/31/12:
2 more days!!! We leave for Atlanta tomorrow!!!! I am SOOO excited!!! Uber nervous of course, too, but trying to focus on the hope and excitement b/c those are much more positive emotions than anxiety and nervousness!! I'll update again soon!!!
Update 8/15/12:
So I guess I've been too down in the dumps to update... but I had my FET on August 2nd and everything went as perfectly as it could. 7 days later I got a super duper faint positive home pregnancy test. So the next day (8dp5dt) I went in for a beta HCG and it was 7... so not a great number. Had a repeat test on Monday and it was 2. So it was a chemical pregnancy. So sad. We are just moving forward now (again). Maybe doing a natural FET next since it's the only thing we haven't tried. Have a consult with Dr. B on Aug 31st to see if he has any new ideas to check why I'm still losing babies. I guess I'll update once I know something new. Just waiting for AF to start so we can move on.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
2nd ER Cycle
5/23 (DOC 5)
Well, on Saturday May 19th we began our 2nd egg retrieval cycle (with a planned freeze). I will skip all the drama that started the cycle and just move on to the important stuff!
Today is cycle day 5 (only had 3 stims so far though) and I had my first ultrasound. A 35mm cyst on my right ovary that we found on DOC 1 was magically gone!!! I'm not sure how that happened, but it is truly a miracle! So far there were 17 little follicles blossoming between the 2 ovaries! So all good news! My next appointment is Friday IN Atlanta so I leave tomorrow! I am SO nervous about leaving DH and my son but they are joining me Saturday afternoon so I won't be alone for too long! Whew! I would go crazy with a week alone in this miserable stimulated condition!!!
I'll try to keep all my updates here so it'll be one long blog post instead of 10 short ones!
Update: 5/25
Today's appointment went well! I have 18 follicles today & my estradiol was 1118. This is such a pleasant change from my last cycle where I was blossoming new follicles every day (ending up with 49!) and my estradiol got over 5000! Although I must admit I'm nervous that with fewer eggs my chances of getting healthy girls might be lower. But I'm not going to think that way! I'm going to tell myself that since I have fewer, and have been taking supplements & Metformin they're all going to be great quality! And hopefully at least 2 will be girls... please oh please!
Update 5/27
Well yesterday my folly count was 26 and my E2 was 2090. Today it is 31 follicles and E2 is 3414. And it looks like today is the trigger day! Bumping everything up a day! Yay! I am taking my HCG trigger tonight at 9:30pm and my ER will be Tuesday at 9:30am! Really moving right along now! SO ready to be done with this ER cycle!!! Wishing and Hoping and Praying for some normal XXs!!!
Update 5/27 PM
Just gave my HCG trigger shot!!! Was VERY nervous about using a 1.5" needle (did all my PIO injections with a 1" needle), but we used a frozen pancake to numb the site (best we could come up with) and it was easy peasy! Whew! 1 step closer to getting this cycle OVER with!!! So ready to move towards being pregnant again! Still wishing and hoping and praying for some normal XXs!!!
Update 5/29
Today is the BIG day! At 9:30am I should be "out cold" getting my eggs retrieved! I am nervous and excited all at the same time! I just hope and pray that we get a good number of healthy eggs. And of course that they go on to become aCGH normal females... I'll update later. =)
Update 5/31
Well the big day has come and gone! On 5/29 we had 34 eggs retrieved! Out of those 34, 20 were mature, and then apparently 3 more matured so a total of 23 were ICSI'd. Then on 5/30 we had a grand total of 19 embryos growing!!! So now it is a waiting game! We get our next update on Monday about how many made it to day 5 (blastocyst) for aCGH at Genesis. Hopefully we have a good number go to PGD and hopefully we have a lucky gender split! Only time will tell I guess! FX for some good results over the next few weeks! I'll update again when I know more!
Update 6/4
Today I got the news that 16 of my embryos made it to blastocyst stage and thus were biopsied and frozen! I am very excited about that number!!! I was hoping for 15, but 1 extra is even better! Now it is probably another week long waiting game until I get the PGD report from Genesis about how many normal girls we have. So we are continuing to pray for good news! Will update once I get the report!
Update 6/20
Not sure how I forgot to post on here! Oops! I had a grand total of 5 healthy female embryos after aCGH testing!!! Hurray!!! We also had 2 healthy boys that were frozen. Whew! It was SUCH a relief to hear that we made some females finally! Now here's hoping one of those lovely ladies will be my future daughter!!!
Well, on Saturday May 19th we began our 2nd egg retrieval cycle (with a planned freeze). I will skip all the drama that started the cycle and just move on to the important stuff!
Today is cycle day 5 (only had 3 stims so far though) and I had my first ultrasound. A 35mm cyst on my right ovary that we found on DOC 1 was magically gone!!! I'm not sure how that happened, but it is truly a miracle! So far there were 17 little follicles blossoming between the 2 ovaries! So all good news! My next appointment is Friday IN Atlanta so I leave tomorrow! I am SO nervous about leaving DH and my son but they are joining me Saturday afternoon so I won't be alone for too long! Whew! I would go crazy with a week alone in this miserable stimulated condition!!!
I'll try to keep all my updates here so it'll be one long blog post instead of 10 short ones!
Update: 5/25
Today's appointment went well! I have 18 follicles today & my estradiol was 1118. This is such a pleasant change from my last cycle where I was blossoming new follicles every day (ending up with 49!) and my estradiol got over 5000! Although I must admit I'm nervous that with fewer eggs my chances of getting healthy girls might be lower. But I'm not going to think that way! I'm going to tell myself that since I have fewer, and have been taking supplements & Metformin they're all going to be great quality! And hopefully at least 2 will be girls... please oh please!
Update 5/27
Well yesterday my folly count was 26 and my E2 was 2090. Today it is 31 follicles and E2 is 3414. And it looks like today is the trigger day! Bumping everything up a day! Yay! I am taking my HCG trigger tonight at 9:30pm and my ER will be Tuesday at 9:30am! Really moving right along now! SO ready to be done with this ER cycle!!! Wishing and Hoping and Praying for some normal XXs!!!
Update 5/27 PM
Just gave my HCG trigger shot!!! Was VERY nervous about using a 1.5" needle (did all my PIO injections with a 1" needle), but we used a frozen pancake to numb the site (best we could come up with) and it was easy peasy! Whew! 1 step closer to getting this cycle OVER with!!! So ready to move towards being pregnant again! Still wishing and hoping and praying for some normal XXs!!!
Update 5/29
Today is the BIG day! At 9:30am I should be "out cold" getting my eggs retrieved! I am nervous and excited all at the same time! I just hope and pray that we get a good number of healthy eggs. And of course that they go on to become aCGH normal females... I'll update later. =)
Update 5/31
Well the big day has come and gone! On 5/29 we had 34 eggs retrieved! Out of those 34, 20 were mature, and then apparently 3 more matured so a total of 23 were ICSI'd. Then on 5/30 we had a grand total of 19 embryos growing!!! So now it is a waiting game! We get our next update on Monday about how many made it to day 5 (blastocyst) for aCGH at Genesis. Hopefully we have a good number go to PGD and hopefully we have a lucky gender split! Only time will tell I guess! FX for some good results over the next few weeks! I'll update again when I know more!
Update 6/4
Today I got the news that 16 of my embryos made it to blastocyst stage and thus were biopsied and frozen! I am very excited about that number!!! I was hoping for 15, but 1 extra is even better! Now it is probably another week long waiting game until I get the PGD report from Genesis about how many normal girls we have. So we are continuing to pray for good news! Will update once I get the report!
Update 6/20
Not sure how I forgot to post on here! Oops! I had a grand total of 5 healthy female embryos after aCGH testing!!! Hurray!!! We also had 2 healthy boys that were frozen. Whew! It was SUCH a relief to hear that we made some females finally! Now here's hoping one of those lovely ladies will be my future daughter!!!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Starting Over...
So I just received the HORRIBLE news that out of our 17 frozen eggs that were thawed, fertilized, and biopsied with aCGH at Genesis... we had 3 healthy BOYS. No girls.
So we are really and truly starting over again. Not just with another FET but with the WHOLE embryo retrieval process.
Can't I ever just get ONE shred of good news? Can't ANYTHING ever go my way? Why does the universe not want me to have a daughter? Why can't my husband produce any healthy females? Why does my body KILL the only one we ever got to stick in my uterus? WHY?
I am pissed beyond words. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Resentful. Miserable. F***ING MISERABLE...
So we are really and truly starting over again. Not just with another FET but with the WHOLE embryo retrieval process.
Can't I ever just get ONE shred of good news? Can't ANYTHING ever go my way? Why does the universe not want me to have a daughter? Why can't my husband produce any healthy females? Why does my body KILL the only one we ever got to stick in my uterus? WHY?
I am pissed beyond words. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Resentful. Miserable. F***ING MISERABLE...
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Grief
So I absolutely haven't been handling my grief very well lately. I am SO angry and it seems to be escaping around all of the people that I love the most. Most importantly, I keep lashing out at my poor husband. He has been so patient with me and I know that he must be grieving, too, but he is keeping it together much better than I am. It it breaking my heart. Well, correction, my heart is already in a million pieces. I don't know how to put it back together again. I cry all of the time. I want my baby girl back SOOO badly. I do not know how people move on from these kinds of losses. The only time of day that I am able to be semi-happy is when I'm with my beautiful son. He is the light of my life in this dark & dreary time. I am SO blessed to have him. So blessed that he "made the cut" and survived to be my living, breathing, beautiful child. It almost makes my gender desire go away. But now I've invested too much time, too much money, and too much emotionally to walk away. And I still want a daughter. But at what cost? I'm not sure...
I hope you enjoy the new playlist I added to my blog. The songs are all dedicated to my angel baby.
I hope you enjoy the new playlist I added to my blog. The songs are all dedicated to my angel baby.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Bleeding
The actual miscarriage began today. It is a lot different than I expected. Passed several large clots and it has been extremely heavy bleeding. Although the heaviness seems to comes and go. I feel so very sad. And also a little bit empty. I just feel so extremely depressed. I try to do fun things, especially with DS, to take my mind off of things but it is always temporary. Anytime I have some time alone (even if I'm just alone in my head) I can't stop thinking about the baby girl that I lost and the pregnancy that will never be. I just want all of the pain to be over. I want to have moved on from this. I am sure that the only way I will ever truly move on is to become pregnant again (and STAY pregnant). However I do not want to rush into it.
We are planning some fun vacations to start making "happy memories" to replace some of the horrible ones that have occurred lately. Hopefully it works. It if means pushing back my next FET to June instead of May... so be it. I think all of the waiting and disappointment has finally gotten rid of my impatience. I just finally realized... I'm in NO rush. I am not RACING anyone. I am YOUNG. My son is still a "baby" in my eyes (even though he'll be 2 in less than 3 months). There is plenty of time for a nice AGE GAP between my babies. I always said I wanted them 2-3 years apart. If I am closer to 3 years than 2... SO WHAT? What's the different? Honestly, it's probably easier to have a baby with a 3 year old running around than a 2 year old. Kids seem to get less "needy" the older they get. At least DS is getting less needy. He is definitely getting his "terrible two's attitude" as I call it... but he is growing more and more independent every day and saying more and more words.
The point I'm trying to make is... I have the TIME. Whether or not I have the emotional energy to keep going... that is a different story. But time I have. I don't know how to survive another miscarriage should that occur... but I am working to prevent that. I already filled out a questionnaire for Dr. Braverman to get a consult and maybe do some immune testing on myself. We shall see where that goes. If it is going to add thousands more dollars to the already growing bill I have accumulated... I might have to pass on his recommendations and take my chances... but I just want to give it a shot.
But for now I am just focusing on healing. Healing my body. Healing my mind. Healing my heart. The rest will come.
We are planning some fun vacations to start making "happy memories" to replace some of the horrible ones that have occurred lately. Hopefully it works. It if means pushing back my next FET to June instead of May... so be it. I think all of the waiting and disappointment has finally gotten rid of my impatience. I just finally realized... I'm in NO rush. I am not RACING anyone. I am YOUNG. My son is still a "baby" in my eyes (even though he'll be 2 in less than 3 months). There is plenty of time for a nice AGE GAP between my babies. I always said I wanted them 2-3 years apart. If I am closer to 3 years than 2... SO WHAT? What's the different? Honestly, it's probably easier to have a baby with a 3 year old running around than a 2 year old. Kids seem to get less "needy" the older they get. At least DS is getting less needy. He is definitely getting his "terrible two's attitude" as I call it... but he is growing more and more independent every day and saying more and more words.
The point I'm trying to make is... I have the TIME. Whether or not I have the emotional energy to keep going... that is a different story. But time I have. I don't know how to survive another miscarriage should that occur... but I am working to prevent that. I already filled out a questionnaire for Dr. Braverman to get a consult and maybe do some immune testing on myself. We shall see where that goes. If it is going to add thousands more dollars to the already growing bill I have accumulated... I might have to pass on his recommendations and take my chances... but I just want to give it a shot.
But for now I am just focusing on healing. Healing my body. Healing my mind. Healing my heart. The rest will come.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Miscarriage
Well, just a quick update. At 7 weeks along, I had another u/s and baby girl actually had a heart beat. We were all shocked and amazed and nobody could explain it (since my betas were dropping and my baby was measuring a week behind). But we did another u/s at 8 weeks and baby hadn't grown at all (so by then she was 2 weeks behind) and her heart had stopped beating. So that settles that. I am just waiting now to start the actual miscarriage. We are giving it time to see if it will happen naturally and in 2 weeks or so we will consider inducing the miscarriage with meds (whatever they are).
Of course I'm devastated. I was actually prepared to hear that she was "gone" at the 7 week u/s, but when I heard she had a HB, I didn't care that she measured "off"... I regained all of my hope and prayed and prayed but it wasn't enough. She just wasn't strong enough.
I'm not sure where to go from here. We are planning a few vacations to start creating some happy memories to counteract all of the bad we've formed recently. Hopefully it helps with the emotional pain. I've been reading books a lot to get my mind off of things, but the pain is always there. There are reminders everywhere and I cannot stop thinking about my angel baby girl.
Oh well, I know that when I finally have another baby (whether boy or girl) I will not wish things had gone any differently. I'll fall instantly in love with him or her and know that he/she was MEANT to be MY baby. So it's OK.
Not sure what we're going to in regards to IVF changes. Dr. T wants to stick with the same protocol and not change anything. No new testing or anything. I'm not sure I'm OK with this... I can't accept that we aren't going to change ANYTHING. To me, saying we're going to do the exact same thing makes me think that we will have the EXACT same results (either a BFN or another miscarriage). I want a chance. I want to test my body for reasons why this could have happened. I have considered consulting with Dr. Braverman in NYC who is a reproductive immunologist. He claims to have many tests and treatments for women with recurring pregnancy loss. I'm not sure I can justify the cost though. And Dr. Toledo doesn't even believe in immune testing/ treatment. He says that the "literature doesn't support it". Maybe that's true but I feel like I've got to do SOMETHING. I want a baby so badly and I cannot stand to go through another miscarriage again.
So we'll see. Right now there is nothing to do but sit and wait for the miscarriage to begin. Then we will move forward.
Of course I'm devastated. I was actually prepared to hear that she was "gone" at the 7 week u/s, but when I heard she had a HB, I didn't care that she measured "off"... I regained all of my hope and prayed and prayed but it wasn't enough. She just wasn't strong enough.
I'm not sure where to go from here. We are planning a few vacations to start creating some happy memories to counteract all of the bad we've formed recently. Hopefully it helps with the emotional pain. I've been reading books a lot to get my mind off of things, but the pain is always there. There are reminders everywhere and I cannot stop thinking about my angel baby girl.
Oh well, I know that when I finally have another baby (whether boy or girl) I will not wish things had gone any differently. I'll fall instantly in love with him or her and know that he/she was MEANT to be MY baby. So it's OK.
Not sure what we're going to in regards to IVF changes. Dr. T wants to stick with the same protocol and not change anything. No new testing or anything. I'm not sure I'm OK with this... I can't accept that we aren't going to change ANYTHING. To me, saying we're going to do the exact same thing makes me think that we will have the EXACT same results (either a BFN or another miscarriage). I want a chance. I want to test my body for reasons why this could have happened. I have considered consulting with Dr. Braverman in NYC who is a reproductive immunologist. He claims to have many tests and treatments for women with recurring pregnancy loss. I'm not sure I can justify the cost though. And Dr. Toledo doesn't even believe in immune testing/ treatment. He says that the "literature doesn't support it". Maybe that's true but I feel like I've got to do SOMETHING. I want a baby so badly and I cannot stand to go through another miscarriage again.
So we'll see. Right now there is nothing to do but sit and wait for the miscarriage to begin. Then we will move forward.
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