Well, I tested this morning at 6dp5dt and it was a BFN. Not even a tiny glimmer of hope. It was clearly stark white.
It is just so hard to go through this process and especially watching other people go through the exact same thing and get BFPs. I want others to succeed, but at the same time I get so angry with the universe and ask, "WHY NOT ME"??? Am I not good enough to deserve success? Did I do something wrong? Am I not worthy of a daughter? What was wrong with my embryo? She was chromosomally perfect... grade A... my uterus was great... what went wrong? Why didn't she want to stay with me? And why did Dr. T seem so confident that I would succeed? Was he just giving me false hope all along?
Blah. I know, I am Debbie Downer today... for real. I know I will get over this hurdle and pick myself up off the ground and start over in a few weeks. It is just very hard to feel optimistic today. If it didn't work THIS time... what would make it work next time? Or the time after that? What would change then that would give me a better outcome?
Anyway, people want me to stay optimistic b/c apparently it "could still happen", but I feel like in my head it is better to think of it as over. It is much easier to be pleasantly surprised than to keep my hopes up even the slightest bit just to get crushed all over again.
I will probably skip a day and test one more time on Wednesday. After that I will not test and I will just go for my beta on Friday. I am certain that I will get bad news, but I need the confirmation before we can move on and start heading towards FET #2. It is just so disheartening. I used to be so optimistic and so excited about everything. Now I just worry that my future holds nothing but disappointment and rejection.
I will update again once I test on Wednesday.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Tomorrow is the BIG Day!
So I got a call a little earlier from RBA-- my transfer time is scheduled for 11:30am! That's Atlanta time (so EST). My only instructions were to take my morning pills but hold my morning Crinone until after transfer (gunky I presume) and to drink 40oz of water 1 hour before scheduled transfer time. FORTY OUNCES?!?! I'm going to pee my britches while waiting for ET! lol.
And on a (CUTE) side note... my DH called me earlier to say that he found a website that'll calculate my due date based on FET date (he must not have been listening to me lately b/c I've told him about this site already and when my due date would be!) But he was all excited and said, "You're due date would be August 9th". I said, "Yeah, I know! I've been telling you that for weeks now!" And he said, "Well I must not have been listening b/c August 9th was my father's birthday." HOW FRIGGIN PERFECT IS THAT??? His father passed away in 2007 from a heart attack. We even named DS after him. And now I *MIGHT* be due on his birthday. Wow. I want to cry now b/c I was this to work SO badly. I hope that if it works I can stick with that due date. It would mean everything to me. Not that she would arrive exactly on time, but still. I love it. Oh, and DS was born on my grandmother's birthday. The grandmother I am named after. She passed away of heart disease before I was ever born. Anyway, I just thought that was cute and it makes me THAT much more anxious b/c I want this to work tomorrow. I want it so badly. And there's a part of me that truly believes that this is *Meant To Be*
And on a (CUTE) side note... my DH called me earlier to say that he found a website that'll calculate my due date based on FET date (he must not have been listening to me lately b/c I've told him about this site already and when my due date would be!) But he was all excited and said, "You're due date would be August 9th". I said, "Yeah, I know! I've been telling you that for weeks now!" And he said, "Well I must not have been listening b/c August 9th was my father's birthday." HOW FRIGGIN PERFECT IS THAT??? His father passed away in 2007 from a heart attack. We even named DS after him. And now I *MIGHT* be due on his birthday. Wow. I want to cry now b/c I was this to work SO badly. I hope that if it works I can stick with that due date. It would mean everything to me. Not that she would arrive exactly on time, but still. I love it. Oh, and DS was born on my grandmother's birthday. The grandmother I am named after. She passed away of heart disease before I was ever born. Anyway, I just thought that was cute and it makes me THAT much more anxious b/c I want this to work tomorrow. I want it so badly. And there's a part of me that truly believes that this is *Meant To Be*
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Getting close!!!
D-Day is getting closer and closer!!!!
I had my lining check this past Tuesday and it went pretty well! My lining was 9mm, almost 10. It was trilaminar which is optimal. My left ovary had only one small (>10mm) cyst, but my big right ovarian cyst was still there. It was 31mm, but it has shrunk b/c they looked back and 3 weeks ago it was 34mm. So it went down a tiny bit.
I got the news later that day that everything was looking good and we were pushing forward with the FET! I was absolutely flabbergasted! I swear, I was totally convinced that we would end up canceling this FET for one reason or another. So I am extremely happy that we are pressing forward.
So November 22nd is still the day! And it is only 5 days away!!! It has felt like I would never get to this point!!! I will be PUPO in only 5 short days!! Well, I go out of town tomorrow and return Sunday before leaving Monday night for Atlanta! I hope it makes time fly by quickly!! And then Thanksgiving will hopefully help me pass the time while waiting for my beta! I go for bloodwork 10 days after my transfer, so Friday, December 2nd. I haven't decided whether or not I will POAS using a HPT. I want to say NO, but I do not know if I can wait 10 long days for my beta. Maybe I can hold out a week before taking a HPT, but ideally I could make it to the beta. We will see. I am trying to not get my hopes up b/c I realize that often it takes more than one try at this process, but how do you ever NOT get your hopes up? Easier said than done!
Well, Wish me luck!
I had my lining check this past Tuesday and it went pretty well! My lining was 9mm, almost 10. It was trilaminar which is optimal. My left ovary had only one small (>10mm) cyst, but my big right ovarian cyst was still there. It was 31mm, but it has shrunk b/c they looked back and 3 weeks ago it was 34mm. So it went down a tiny bit.
I got the news later that day that everything was looking good and we were pushing forward with the FET! I was absolutely flabbergasted! I swear, I was totally convinced that we would end up canceling this FET for one reason or another. So I am extremely happy that we are pressing forward.
So November 22nd is still the day! And it is only 5 days away!!! It has felt like I would never get to this point!!! I will be PUPO in only 5 short days!! Well, I go out of town tomorrow and return Sunday before leaving Monday night for Atlanta! I hope it makes time fly by quickly!! And then Thanksgiving will hopefully help me pass the time while waiting for my beta! I go for bloodwork 10 days after my transfer, so Friday, December 2nd. I haven't decided whether or not I will POAS using a HPT. I want to say NO, but I do not know if I can wait 10 long days for my beta. Maybe I can hold out a week before taking a HPT, but ideally I could make it to the beta. We will see. I am trying to not get my hopes up b/c I realize that often it takes more than one try at this process, but how do you ever NOT get your hopes up? Easier said than done!
Well, Wish me luck!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
2 more weeks!
Only 2 more weeks until Baby Girl is FINALLY put back into my belly!!!
Now, I just have to say that my LUCK has got to turn around in order for me to stand a chance that she will stick!!! (I even need luck that I will be going to transfer... this giant cyst might be a speed bump).
I say this because I have been having the WORST luck lately!!!! First with finding out about my cyst. Then last night I was jogging and tripped and bruised my knee very badly. Hurts like hell. Then today I turned my car into a pole and caused $2500 worth of damages to my passenger car door!!! I CANNOT believe I did that! I have NEVER done anything like that before!!! I am usually such a careful driver! Zero accidents (until today). Maybe I am already having "pregnancy brain" thanks to all of the hormones in my system... (at least I'd like to blame someone other than myself, lol).
Anyways... back on topic... I booked my flights and hotel rooms for the stay during my FET! I hope that I actually get to have a transfer b/c it will cost me $220 in wasted airfare if I need to cancel my flights (non-refundable).
Today I bumped my Estrace up to 2 pills twice daily (from 1 pill twice daily). My next bump will be Saturday (to 2 pills three times a day). Then Thursday Nov 17th I get to add Crinone, Doxycycline, & Medrol to the mix. I can't say I am looking forward to being on SOOO many hormone drugs and stuff, but I am READY READY READY for my transfer!!! I cannot wait to be PUPO with my darling baby girl!!! SO excited!
Now, I just have to say that my LUCK has got to turn around in order for me to stand a chance that she will stick!!! (I even need luck that I will be going to transfer... this giant cyst might be a speed bump).
I say this because I have been having the WORST luck lately!!!! First with finding out about my cyst. Then last night I was jogging and tripped and bruised my knee very badly. Hurts like hell. Then today I turned my car into a pole and caused $2500 worth of damages to my passenger car door!!! I CANNOT believe I did that! I have NEVER done anything like that before!!! I am usually such a careful driver! Zero accidents (until today). Maybe I am already having "pregnancy brain" thanks to all of the hormones in my system... (at least I'd like to blame someone other than myself, lol).
Anyways... back on topic... I booked my flights and hotel rooms for the stay during my FET! I hope that I actually get to have a transfer b/c it will cost me $220 in wasted airfare if I need to cancel my flights (non-refundable).
Today I bumped my Estrace up to 2 pills twice daily (from 1 pill twice daily). My next bump will be Saturday (to 2 pills three times a day). Then Thursday Nov 17th I get to add Crinone, Doxycycline, & Medrol to the mix. I can't say I am looking forward to being on SOOO many hormone drugs and stuff, but I am READY READY READY for my transfer!!! I cannot wait to be PUPO with my darling baby girl!!! SO excited!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Emotional Rollercoaster
I know that everyone warned me that this process would be an emotional rollercoaster.... but I did not fully comprehend this until I started hearing the "clink clink clink" of my train on its tracks...
Well, to catch you up from my last post...
I had my appointment on Monday with the local RE. They did bloodwork and an u/s. Well, when he was doing my u/s he checked my uterus and it was fine so he measured my lining. Then, he moved to my first ovary (right)... and I was like, CRAP!!! I saw it immediately. I GIANT cyst on my right ovary. If I remember (and heard him) correctly, it was 31mm. He moved to my left ovary and I think there were 1 or 2 small cysts (I don't remember the sizes, but they were pretty small). I asked him what he thought about the cyst and he said that if it was releasing estrogen or progesterone that I would probably be looking at a cancelled cycle.
So I waited all day long to get the phone call from my RE's nurse about my b/w results... and no call...
The next day (Tuesday) I finally got a call. She said that Dr. T had reviewed all my b/w and u/s results and wrote orders to proceed with the FET protocol.... I was like, WHAT? The nurse said that based on my reaction they were expecting a super huge cyst and he said that what was there was not that bad. So of course, now I have these worst case scenario situations running through my brain... Did the local RE write down the size of the cyst correctly? Did Dr. T actually read the size and still think it wise to proceed? What if I proceed and the cyst causes a cancelled cycle as the FET date gets closer? What if my embryo cannot successfully implant b/c of problems with the cyst. What if I lose the pregnancy due to the cyst?
Well, I wrote an Email to Dr. T asking him a couple of questions in regards to the cyst (sent it Tuesday), but today (Wednesday) I have yet to receive a response. Not sure what is taking so long... Usually he responds same day (even on the weekend!)... So not sure if he is on vacation or purposefully ignoring my questions.
However, the nurse was kind enough to send me the results of my b/w and everything looked GREAT. My estrogen was less than 20 and progesterone was 0.4. So that must mean that the cyst is NOT producing estrogen or progesterone. Or else the levels would have been elevated. She also let me know that my TSH level from 2 weeks ago was normal (2.6). So that is good, too!
Honestly, I would be extremely thrilled with how WELL things were looking if it wasn't for that giant cyst on my ovary. I wish it would go away! It is making me nervous. And I don't know if I am paranoid, but I swear now that I know it is there I can "feel" it. I feel twinges of cramping on my right ovary now. Maybe I'm imagining them, but I swear I am having pain from that cyst. Please let it be GONE by my next u/s!!!
Speaking of which... my next u/s will be on Nov 15th at 8:30am. It will be a "lining check". As long as everything looks good then my transfer date will be Nov 22nd. I cannot believe I actually have a transfer date finally!!! November 22nd... Sounds like a great date to me! Also, if I succeed and get pregnant... my estimated DUE DATE (!!!!) would be August 9th, 2012! Honestly, that sounds like a horrible time of year to be due (3rd trimester during the hot summer months, bleh)... but I'll take it!!! I cannot wait for this baby girl to become a part of our family!!!
My FET day 1 officially starts tomorrow (Nov 3rd). I start taking Estrace (1 tab twice daily). Hmm.. lemme see if I can post my protocol below....
Well, to catch you up from my last post...
I had my appointment on Monday with the local RE. They did bloodwork and an u/s. Well, when he was doing my u/s he checked my uterus and it was fine so he measured my lining. Then, he moved to my first ovary (right)... and I was like, CRAP!!! I saw it immediately. I GIANT cyst on my right ovary. If I remember (and heard him) correctly, it was 31mm. He moved to my left ovary and I think there were 1 or 2 small cysts (I don't remember the sizes, but they were pretty small). I asked him what he thought about the cyst and he said that if it was releasing estrogen or progesterone that I would probably be looking at a cancelled cycle.
So I waited all day long to get the phone call from my RE's nurse about my b/w results... and no call...
The next day (Tuesday) I finally got a call. She said that Dr. T had reviewed all my b/w and u/s results and wrote orders to proceed with the FET protocol.... I was like, WHAT? The nurse said that based on my reaction they were expecting a super huge cyst and he said that what was there was not that bad. So of course, now I have these worst case scenario situations running through my brain... Did the local RE write down the size of the cyst correctly? Did Dr. T actually read the size and still think it wise to proceed? What if I proceed and the cyst causes a cancelled cycle as the FET date gets closer? What if my embryo cannot successfully implant b/c of problems with the cyst. What if I lose the pregnancy due to the cyst?
Well, I wrote an Email to Dr. T asking him a couple of questions in regards to the cyst (sent it Tuesday), but today (Wednesday) I have yet to receive a response. Not sure what is taking so long... Usually he responds same day (even on the weekend!)... So not sure if he is on vacation or purposefully ignoring my questions.
However, the nurse was kind enough to send me the results of my b/w and everything looked GREAT. My estrogen was less than 20 and progesterone was 0.4. So that must mean that the cyst is NOT producing estrogen or progesterone. Or else the levels would have been elevated. She also let me know that my TSH level from 2 weeks ago was normal (2.6). So that is good, too!
Honestly, I would be extremely thrilled with how WELL things were looking if it wasn't for that giant cyst on my ovary. I wish it would go away! It is making me nervous. And I don't know if I am paranoid, but I swear now that I know it is there I can "feel" it. I feel twinges of cramping on my right ovary now. Maybe I'm imagining them, but I swear I am having pain from that cyst. Please let it be GONE by my next u/s!!!
Speaking of which... my next u/s will be on Nov 15th at 8:30am. It will be a "lining check". As long as everything looks good then my transfer date will be Nov 22nd. I cannot believe I actually have a transfer date finally!!! November 22nd... Sounds like a great date to me! Also, if I succeed and get pregnant... my estimated DUE DATE (!!!!) would be August 9th, 2012! Honestly, that sounds like a horrible time of year to be due (3rd trimester during the hot summer months, bleh)... but I'll take it!!! I cannot wait for this baby girl to become a part of our family!!!
My FET day 1 officially starts tomorrow (Nov 3rd). I start taking Estrace (1 tab twice daily). Hmm.. lemme see if I can post my protocol below....
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