Limbo

Well, Dr. T called me yesterday and actually told me that he is still holding out hope for this pregnancy. He says that the betas are no reason to consider the pregnancy over and only an u/s next week will verify whether or not this is a viable pregnancy. Long story short... I'm getting another u/s on Tuesday. If there is a HB then we might be in good shape, but if there is no progression and no HB then it is over and I'll stop my meds. I do not think that my chances are very good for a happy ending, but it's better than the 0 hope I had Mon/Tues...

Chemical Pregnancy

Well, unfortunately, the title says it all. As my last post mentioned, I did in fact get pregnant. My first beta was 200, my second beta was over 3000!!!! Then my 3rd beta had only gone up to 5000. My first indication that something was wrong (the numbers should AT LEAST double every 2-3 days and that was 3 days later and hadn't doubled yet). So they had me draw a 4th beta on Monday and my level had dropped to 4000, indicating that I would lose the baby. They got me in for an ultrasound ASAP yesterday and it showed that the embryo had stopped progressing at 5w1d. Pretty much the exact day that my beta showed a sign of distress. I should have been 5w6d but the embryo was not there. And of course, there was no heartbeat. I am still awaiting further instructions from my RE regarding stopping the medications (yes, it is torture to be taking meds knowing that it is pointless), but my u/s was kinda late yesterday and I guess they did not get the report before they went home for the day. Hopefully I'll hear back soon and be allowed to discontinue all my medications so I can "pass" the baby and move on. I'm not exactly sure how long it will be until I am allowed to cycle again. And at this point I don't even have any more frozen healthy girls. We do have 17 frozen EGGS though and DH left a sperm sample that is on ice. So they will have to thaw the eggs, fertilize them, let them grow 5 days, biopsy them, freeze them again, await the biopsy results, then thaw them again for the transfer. Honestly, it seems like too much to ask of such fragile little eggs. I'm not sure what to expect with my next FET. We are considering putting back 2 embryos next time, but neither DH nor I want twins but I guess it might be a risk we are willing to take at this point. I cannot bare much more heartache and disappointment. Two babies would be better than none. I am obviously devastated and grieving. So I will update when I can, but I am going to try to relax and stop thinking about this so much b/c it just breaks my heart over and over again.

BFP

I can't believe it took me 3 days to post on the blog... but I got my BFP on Tuesday!!!!! I fell to the floor and started crying immediately!!! I am just still in shock that I will get to be pregnant again and with a baby girl (hopefully)!!!!! Life can't get much better than this!!! It is still very early, and I am only too aware of that... I know we have several hurdles to cross before I can relax and enjoy this pregnancy, but at least step 1 is over-- step 1 being our first beta! It was 200 @ 10dp5dt! Which is just perfect!!! I can only wish and pray that Monday's beta will be equally as promising!!! So scared about ALL the things that can still go wrong, but seeming as though this might be my last pregnancy ever I want to relax and enjoy it! But I know I won't fully relax until I see that tiny little heart beating away on the u/s in a few weeks. For now just wishing the time away until that big u/s day!!! Here are some beautiful BFP pictures!!!

1st BFPs at 8dp5dt on Tuesday 2/7/12 (Digi EPT and FRER)

Comparing BFPs from 8dp5dt and 9dp5dt

1 more day before POAS!

So tomorrow is the BIG day when I'll POAS and find out whether or not this worked and whether I am pregnant!!! In lieu of the big occasion I have updated my "pros & cons" list with some more "signs". Here is why I am so internally conflicted about whether or not I believe this has worked:

Pros:

- Acupuncture (weeks prior and before/after ET)

- Good lining measurements

- Endometrial biopsy to help lining

- On Lovenox (however, con is blood clotting issues…)

- Meditating daily (Circle + Bloom & Anji)

- DH assisted in Atlanta during ET (no lifting/took it easy)

- Coin flip landed on heads (good)

- On PIO instead of Crinone for better progesterone absorption (although levels low… so not working??)

- Cramps in uterus (could be meds or coughing muscles are sore) & sore boobies (could still be meds)

- Ate pineapple core daily post ET & had cayenne pepper on egg mcmuffin before ET for luck

- Had a dream that I was holding my baby girl

Cons:

- Cold/persistent dry cough/ thick nasal congestion on day of ET and week during POAS wait

- Low hormones (progesterone & estrogen)

- High TSH

- DS very stressful on Wednesday post ET (2dp5dt)

- Poor looking embryo (although RE said it was "excellent quality"... I think it didn't survive the thaw in as good of condition as it went into the thaw, just my idiot opinion)

- MTHFR Deficiency & Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis medical issues

- Had a dream that pregnancy test was negative (superstition)

So... as you can see... I WANT to think positive and tell myself this worked... but there are many things against me, too. I have acupuncture again today so hopefully that'll help me relax a little. And I'm trying to stay busy today. It has been SO hard to wait until 8dp5dt!! I am very proud that I haven't caved yet and POAS! I thought I would! Actually, today is the biggest day that I resisted. But that's only b/c I forced DH to hide all my home pregnancy tests where I couldn't find them!!! But now that I've already had my FMU (and SMU) I'm not worried about caving. If I'm gonna POAS I'm gonna do it right and use FMU (first morning urine). 

Well, I'm UBER nervous and UBER excited. All of my family members think that this worked. But they do not really understand the process. DH and I are cautiously optimistic... 

WISH ME LUCK TOMORROW!