Starting Over...

So I just received the HORRIBLE news that out of our 17 frozen eggs that were thawed, fertilized, and biopsied with aCGH at Genesis... we had 3 healthy BOYS. No girls.

So we are really and truly starting over again. Not just with another FET but with the WHOLE embryo retrieval process.

Can't I ever just get ONE shred of good news? Can't ANYTHING ever go my way? Why does the universe not want me to have a daughter? Why can't my husband produce any healthy females? Why does my body KILL the only one we ever got to stick in my uterus? WHY?

I am pissed beyond words. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Resentful. Miserable. F***ING MISERABLE...

Grief

So I absolutely haven't been handling my grief very well lately. I am SO angry and it seems to be escaping around all of the people that I love the most. Most importantly, I keep lashing out at my poor husband. He has been so patient with me and I know that he must be grieving, too, but he is keeping it together much better than I am. It it breaking my heart. Well, correction, my heart is already in a million pieces. I don't know how to put it back together again. I cry all of the time. I want my baby girl back SOOO badly. I do not know how people move on from these kinds of losses. The only time of day that I am able to be semi-happy is when I'm with my beautiful son. He is the light of my life in this dark & dreary time. I am SO blessed to have him. So blessed that he "made the cut" and survived to be my living, breathing, beautiful child. It almost makes my gender desire go away. But now I've invested too much time, too much money, and too much emotionally to walk away. And I still want a daughter. But at what cost? I'm not sure...

I hope you enjoy the new playlist I added to my blog. The songs are all dedicated to my angel baby.

Bleeding

The actual miscarriage began today. It is a lot different than I expected. Passed several large clots and it has been extremely heavy bleeding. Although the heaviness seems to comes and go. I feel so very sad. And also a little bit empty. I just feel so extremely depressed. I try to do fun things, especially with DS, to take my mind off of things but it is always temporary. Anytime I have some time alone (even if I'm just alone in my head) I can't stop thinking about the baby girl that I lost and the pregnancy that will never be. I just want all of the pain to be over. I want to have moved on from this. I am sure that the only way I will ever truly move on is to become pregnant again (and STAY pregnant). However I do not want to rush into it.

We are planning some fun vacations to start making "happy memories" to replace some of the horrible ones that have occurred lately. Hopefully it works. It if means pushing back my next FET to June instead of May... so be it. I think all of the waiting and disappointment has finally gotten rid of my impatience. I just finally realized... I'm in NO rush. I am not RACING anyone. I am YOUNG. My son is still a "baby" in my eyes (even though he'll be 2 in less than 3 months). There is plenty of time for a nice AGE GAP between my babies. I always said I wanted them 2-3 years apart. If I am closer to 3 years than 2... SO WHAT? What's the different? Honestly, it's probably easier to have a baby with a 3 year old running around than a 2 year old. Kids seem to get less "needy" the older they get. At least DS is getting less needy. He is definitely getting his "terrible two's attitude" as I call it... but he is growing more and more independent every day and saying more and more words.

The point I'm trying to make is... I have the TIME. Whether or not I have the emotional energy to keep going... that is a different story. But time I have. I don't know how to survive another miscarriage should that occur... but I am working to prevent that. I already filled out a questionnaire for Dr. Braverman to get a consult and maybe do some immune testing on myself. We shall see where that goes. If it is going to add thousands more dollars to the already growing bill I have accumulated... I might have to pass on his recommendations and take my chances... but I just want to give it a shot.

But for now I am just focusing on healing. Healing my body. Healing my mind. Healing my heart. The rest will come.

Miscarriage

Well, just a quick update. At 7 weeks along, I had another u/s and baby girl actually had a heart beat. We were all shocked and amazed and nobody could explain it (since my betas were dropping and my baby was measuring a week behind). But we did another u/s at 8 weeks and baby hadn't grown at all (so by then she was 2 weeks behind) and her heart had stopped beating. So that settles that. I am just waiting now to start the actual miscarriage. We are giving it time to see if it will happen naturally and in 2 weeks or so we will consider inducing the miscarriage with meds (whatever they are).

Of course I'm devastated. I was actually prepared to hear that she was "gone" at the 7 week u/s, but when I heard she had a HB, I didn't care that she measured "off"... I regained all of my hope and prayed and prayed but it wasn't enough. She just wasn't strong enough.

I'm not sure where to go from here. We are planning a few vacations to start creating some happy memories to counteract all of the bad we've formed recently. Hopefully it helps with the emotional pain. I've been reading books a lot to get my mind off of things, but the pain is always there. There are reminders everywhere and I cannot stop thinking about my angel baby girl.

Oh well, I know that when I finally have another baby (whether boy or girl) I will not wish things had gone any differently. I'll fall instantly in love with him or her and know that he/she was MEANT to be MY baby. So it's OK.

Not sure what we're going to in regards to IVF changes. Dr. T wants to stick with the same protocol and not change anything. No new testing or anything. I'm not sure I'm OK with this... I can't accept that we aren't going to change ANYTHING. To me, saying we're going to do the exact same thing makes me think that we will have the EXACT same results (either a BFN or another miscarriage). I want a chance. I want to test my body for reasons why this could have happened. I have considered consulting with Dr. Braverman in NYC who is a reproductive immunologist. He claims to have many tests and treatments for women with recurring pregnancy loss. I'm not sure I can justify the cost though. And Dr. Toledo doesn't even believe in immune testing/ treatment. He says that the "literature doesn't support it". Maybe that's true but I feel like I've got to do SOMETHING. I want a baby so badly and I cannot stand to go through another miscarriage again.

So we'll see. Right now there is nothing to do but sit and wait for the miscarriage to begin. Then we will move forward.