FET #2

Yes, I apologize to anyone following about not posting any sooner, but I did end up with a BFN on FET #1. I went for my beta at 9dp5dt and my HPTs were confirmed... BFN... BIG FAT NEGATIVE. It was very painful and it took some time, but I have moved on and I am ready for FET #2.

We still have 1 frozen XX normal embryo and 17 frozen eggs ready to be fertilized. So I think we are still in pretty good shape. However, some health concerns have arisen over the past few weeks that I am concerned about.

I still have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis like I posted previously, but my TSH levels aren't as low and they would like to see when someone is TTC. So my endocrinologist has upped my Synthroid dose to try to lower the TSH to a better TTC level.

Also, when I failed my first FET, my RE wanted to do some tests to see if we can pinpoint the reason for my failure. First, he had a bunch of levels drawn related to clotting. Then, (at my annual pap with my regular OB Dec 16th) he wrote orders for some cervical cultures (to check for infections), and next week (Dec. 28th) he is going to have my regular OB do an endometrial culture. The endometrial culture is not only to check for uterine infections deep in the endometrium, but also b/c he says that taking a sample irritates the lining and has been shown success in making the lining more lush and rich and better for implantation. So it is supposed to help my embryo implant.

Well, I do not have ALL of the results back yet, but I do have some of the blood work results and so far... not looking great. I have abnormal clotting levels. Indicating I do have some sort of clotting disorder. Now, I have known that I am positive for a genetic disease known as MTHFR deficiency. Dr. T didn't think this would be much of a problem for me, but now that I have 1 failure under my belt he wants to be extra cautious. Well, MTHFR might be impacting my clotting factors more than he thought b/c my clotting levels are so funky. I had some of them re-drawn to check and see if they are always abnormal, but still waiting on the results of the re-draws.

My 2nd FET begins on December 23rd when I start my Lupron (again :-/ ). Oh yeah, and Dr. T made a few changes to my protocol (trying something different in order to hopefully reach a different outcome). Instead of Crinone gel (vaginal cream progesterone), this time I am going to take PIO (progesterone in oil). This is an intramuscular injection that I will take daily at night time. I am definitely NOT looking forward to IM injections daily, and especially nervous that my husband will have to administer them (I cannot reach my own butt!), but I am happy to know that we are doing something different (I don't want another BFN!). Also, since my clotting factors are all coming back abnormal, I am going to have to take Lovenox daily as well. This is a subcutaneous injection I take daily in the belly. Again, not happy to be adding ANOTHER SQ injection (along with Lupron) daily, but prepared to suffer in order to obtain my dream.

So that means that PHASE 1 of FET#2 begins December 23rd with Lupron 10units SQ daily.

Then... I have the PHASE 1 change-up... which is the endometrial biopsy on December 28th.

Then PHASE 2 of FET#2 begins when I start my period again. (approx 2 weeks after starting Lupron) That is when I will begin Estrace pills. I will have my lining check approx 1 week before the slotted transfer date.

Then the final phase, PHASE 3 of FET#2, begins approx 5 days before transfer day. That is when I will start the (FET#2 change-up) PIO injections, (FET#2 change-up) Lovenox injections, Medrol, and Doxycycline.

Then hopefully I can wait at least 7-8 DPT to start POAS. I do not want to POAS at 6dp5dt again. I feel like it was too early. Even though it was BFN 6dp5dt AND 8dp5dt last time... I still don't want to risk testing too early. So I would LOVE to wait until my beta... but I would be happy to make it 7 or 8 days past transfer.

So there you have it!! FET#2 is quickly approaching and I am SOOOO ready for it!!!

BFN

Well, I tested this morning at 6dp5dt and it was a BFN. Not even a tiny glimmer of hope. It was clearly stark white.

It is just so hard to go through this process and especially watching other people go through the exact same thing and get BFPs. I want others to succeed, but at the same time I get so angry with the universe and ask, "WHY NOT ME"??? Am I not good enough to deserve success? Did I do something wrong? Am I not worthy of a daughter? What was wrong with my embryo? She was chromosomally perfect... grade A... my uterus was great... what went wrong? Why didn't she want to stay with me? And why did Dr. T seem so confident that I would succeed? Was he just giving me false hope all along?

Blah. I know, I am Debbie Downer today... for real. I know I will get over this hurdle and pick myself up off the ground and start over in a few weeks. It is just very hard to feel optimistic today. If it didn't work THIS time... what would make it work next time? Or the time after that? What would change then that would give me a better outcome?

Anyway, people want me to stay optimistic b/c apparently it "could still happen", but I feel like in my head it is better to think of it as over. It is much easier to be pleasantly surprised than to keep my hopes up even the slightest bit just to get crushed all over again.

I will probably skip a day and test one more time on Wednesday. After that I will not test and I will just go for my beta on Friday. I am certain that I will get bad news, but I need the confirmation before we can move on and start heading towards FET #2. It is just so disheartening. I used to be so optimistic and so excited about everything. Now I just worry that my future holds nothing but disappointment and rejection.

I will update again once I test on Wednesday.

Tomorrow is the BIG Day!

So I got a call a little earlier from RBA-- my transfer time is scheduled for 11:30am! That's Atlanta time (so EST). My only instructions were to take my morning pills but hold my morning Crinone until after transfer (gunky I presume) and to drink 40oz of water 1 hour before scheduled transfer time. FORTY OUNCES?!?! I'm going to pee my britches while waiting for ET! lol. 

And on a (CUTE) side note... my DH called me earlier to say that he found a website that'll calculate my due date based on FET date (he must not have been listening to me lately b/c I've told him about this site already and when my due date would be!) But he was all excited and said, "You're due date would be August 9th". I said, "Yeah, I know! I've been telling you that for weeks now!" And he said, "Well I must not have been listening b/c August 9th was my father's birthday." HOW FRIGGIN PERFECT IS THAT??? His father passed away in 2007 from a heart attack. We even named DS after him. And now I *MIGHT* be due on his birthday. Wow. I want to cry now b/c I was this to work SO badly. I hope that if it works I can stick with that due date. It would mean everything to me. Not that she would arrive exactly on time, but still. I love it. Oh, and DS was born on my grandmother's birthday. The grandmother I am named after. She passed away of heart disease before I was ever born. Anyway, I just thought that was cute and it makes me THAT much more anxious b/c I want this to work tomorrow. I want it so badly. And there's a part of me that truly believes that this is *Meant To Be*

Getting close!!!

D-Day is getting closer and closer!!!!

I had my lining check this past Tuesday and it went pretty well! My lining was 9mm, almost 10. It was trilaminar which is optimal. My left ovary had only one small (>10mm) cyst, but my big right ovarian cyst was still there. It was 31mm, but it has shrunk b/c they looked back and 3 weeks ago it was 34mm. So it went down a tiny bit.

I got the news later that day that everything was looking good and we were pushing forward with the FET! I was absolutely flabbergasted! I swear, I was totally convinced that we would end up canceling this FET for one reason or another. So I am extremely happy that we are pressing forward.

So November 22nd is still the day! And it is only 5 days away!!! It has felt like I would never get to this point!!! I will be PUPO in only 5 short days!! Well, I go out of town tomorrow and return Sunday before leaving Monday night for Atlanta! I hope it makes time fly by quickly!! And then Thanksgiving will hopefully help me pass the time while waiting for my beta! I go for bloodwork 10 days after my transfer, so Friday, December 2nd. I haven't decided whether or not I will POAS using a HPT. I want to say NO, but I do not know if I can wait 10 long days for my beta. Maybe I can hold out a week before taking a HPT, but ideally I could make it to the beta. We will see. I am trying to not get my hopes up b/c I realize that often it takes more than one try at this process, but how do you ever NOT get your hopes up? Easier said than done!

Well, Wish me luck!

2 more weeks!

Only 2 more weeks until Baby Girl is FINALLY put back into my belly!!!

Now, I just have to say that my LUCK has got to turn around in order for me to stand a chance that she will stick!!! (I even need luck that I will be going to transfer... this giant cyst might be a speed bump).

I say this because I have been having the WORST luck lately!!!! First with finding out about my cyst. Then last night I was jogging and tripped and bruised my knee very badly. Hurts like hell. Then today I turned my car into a pole and caused $2500 worth of damages to my passenger car door!!! I CANNOT believe I did that! I have NEVER done anything like that before!!! I am usually such a careful driver! Zero accidents (until today). Maybe I am already having "pregnancy brain" thanks to all of the hormones in my system... (at least I'd like to blame someone other than myself, lol).

Anyways... back on topic... I booked my flights and hotel rooms for the stay during my FET! I hope that I actually get to have a transfer b/c it will cost me $220 in wasted airfare if I need to cancel my flights (non-refundable).

Today I bumped my Estrace up to 2 pills twice daily (from 1 pill twice daily). My next bump will be Saturday (to 2 pills three times a day). Then Thursday Nov 17th I get to add Crinone, Doxycycline, & Medrol to the mix. I can't say I am looking forward to being on SOOO many hormone drugs and stuff, but I am READY READY READY for my transfer!!! I cannot wait to be PUPO with my darling baby girl!!! SO excited!

Emotional Rollercoaster

I know that everyone warned me that this process would be an emotional rollercoaster.... but I did not fully comprehend this until I started hearing the "clink clink clink" of my train on its tracks...

Well, to catch you up from my last post...

I had my appointment on Monday with the local RE. They did bloodwork and an u/s. Well, when he was doing my u/s he checked my uterus and it was fine so he measured my lining. Then, he moved to my first ovary (right)... and I was like, CRAP!!! I saw it immediately. I GIANT cyst on my right ovary. If I remember (and heard him) correctly, it was 31mm. He moved to my left ovary and I think there were 1 or 2 small cysts (I don't remember the sizes, but they were pretty small). I asked him what he thought about the cyst and he said that if it was releasing estrogen or progesterone that I would probably be looking at a cancelled cycle.

So I waited all day long to get the phone call from my RE's nurse about my b/w results... and no call...

The next day (Tuesday) I finally got a call. She said that Dr. T had reviewed all my b/w and u/s results and wrote orders to proceed with the FET protocol.... I was like, WHAT? The nurse said that based on my reaction they were expecting a super huge cyst and he said that what was there was not that bad. So of course, now I have these worst case scenario situations running through my brain... Did the local RE write down the size of the cyst correctly? Did Dr. T actually read the size and still think it wise to proceed? What if I proceed and the cyst causes a cancelled cycle as the FET date gets closer? What if my embryo cannot successfully implant b/c of problems with the cyst. What if I lose the pregnancy due to the cyst?

Well, I wrote an Email to Dr. T asking him a couple of questions in regards to the cyst (sent it Tuesday), but today (Wednesday) I have yet to receive a response. Not sure what is taking so long... Usually he responds same day (even on the weekend!)...  So not sure if he is on vacation or purposefully ignoring my questions.

However, the nurse was kind enough to send me the results of my b/w and everything looked GREAT. My estrogen was less than 20 and progesterone was 0.4. So that must mean that the cyst is NOT producing estrogen or progesterone. Or else the levels would have been elevated. She also let me know that my TSH level from 2 weeks ago was normal (2.6). So that is good, too!

Honestly, I would be extremely thrilled with how WELL things were looking if it wasn't for that giant cyst on my ovary. I wish it would go away! It is making me nervous. And I don't know if I am paranoid, but I swear now that I know it is there I can "feel" it. I feel twinges of cramping on my right ovary now. Maybe I'm imagining them, but I swear I am having pain from that cyst. Please let it be GONE by my next u/s!!!

Speaking of which... my next u/s will be on Nov 15th at 8:30am. It will be a "lining check". As long as everything looks good then my transfer date will be Nov 22nd. I cannot believe I actually have a transfer date finally!!! November 22nd... Sounds like a great date to me! Also, if I succeed and get pregnant... my estimated DUE DATE (!!!!) would be August 9th, 2012! Honestly, that sounds like a horrible time of year to be due (3rd trimester during the hot summer months, bleh)... but I'll take it!!! I cannot wait for this baby girl to become a part of our family!!!

My FET day 1 officially starts tomorrow (Nov 3rd). I start taking Estrace (1 tab twice daily). Hmm.. lemme see if I can post my protocol below....

Sneaky AF!!!!

OK, so here's the scoop since my last post!!!

I didn't start my period by Friday, so I got in touch with someone at RBA (after a TON of effort) and they sent me orders and told me to see the local RE for some blood work and an ultrasound. If everything looked good I was going to go forward with the FET without a period. If not... well, no idea, but we would have crossed that bridge...

SO, I called the local RE and scheduled an appointment for first thing on Monday morning (7:45am). Lo-and-behold... I wake up Sunday morning and who decides to FINALLY arrive? AF!!! Of course!

So here was my dilemma: My monday morning appointment was too early to call RBA beforehand and figure out if I still needed the appointment or not since my period finally started... so I emailed my RE.

Dr. T JUST emailed me back and told me to go ahead and get the blood work and ultrasound tomorrow "just in case". So I am happy with all of this. Not only did AF start on her own (whew!!!!!), but I STILL get an ultrasound and blood work to get a "picture" of what is going on inside of me. That way if something is off or wacky I'll know before we get too far into the FET protocol.

YAY!!! I'm HOPING that maybe tomorrow we will finally set an official "date" of when my FET will be!!! But they might make me wait for an "official" date until my ultrasound further into the protocol. So they can judge by my lining and such. I dunno. But I am excited to FINALLY be moving forward with everything!!!

2 weeks tomorrow...

So tomorrow I will take my 14th dose of Lupron...

The protocol said that within 2 weeks of starting Lupron I should get a period... but I have not started yet (and in all honesty I don't even feel like I am close to starting).

I emailed my RE's nurse to see what she has to say about me not having AF yet. I don't know what happens if AF doesn't show by Friday. That will be over 2 weeks. So... it's (ANOTHER) waiting game.

*sigh*

1 week of Lupron- Down!

Well, I have officially been on Lupron for over a week!!! I am VERY happy that I do not notice any side effects from the medicine! Even the injection sites are not bothering me at all! No bruises, and you can really only see the pink injection "hole" for a day or so before it disappears! I can't even tell where I've injected and where I haven't!

I know I should be 100% optimistic about everything, but my biggest fear is that I will not EVER get AF. They said that I should have a period within 2 weeks of starting Lupron. 2 weeks will be next Friday. So what happens if I do not get a period by then? Will I continue to inject 10 units of Lupron daily until she shows? Which may be days... weeks... months? Or will they give me some medication that will trigger AF to start? I do not know the answer to these questions and I truly hope I do not have to find out! PLEASE oh PLEASE let AF start no later than Friday!!! I will be one happy girl if she does!!!

Lately I find myself (during DS's naptime, my only down time! lol) dreaming about what my future daughter will be like... Will she have my dark brown hair? Or light copper-ish hair like DS? Or something completely different? Will she have my brown eyes? DH's hazel eyes? Or grayish blue eyes like her brother? Will she be born with lots of hair, like me & DS? Will she be born with a tiny bit of peach fuzz? Will she be a baldy (oh please no! I love hairy babies! lol)? Will she be born with blazing red hair like DH when he was a newborn? Will she have my eye shape? My nose? My mouth? My build? Or DH's? Will she look like her big brother? Or will she look completely different? What will we name her? Will it be one of my "favorites" on our name list right now? Will something completely different appeal to me by then? Will she be born early? Late? Right on time? Or 1 day before her due date (like DS)? Will she be super squirmy in my belly like her brother? Or will she be calm and gentle in my belly? Will I get horrible morning sickness (again) or get the pleasure of a nausea/vomit-free pregnancy (yes, please?)? Will I gain the same amount of weight this time as I did last time? Less? More (yikes)? Will my furbaby- princess take to her better than she did when we brought DS home from the hospital? Or will she get depressed again and require antidepressants (please no!)? Will I deliver vaginally at the hospital? Require a C-section (no please)? Have a surprise delivery at home (haha)? Will I require an epidural again? Will it work better this time? Or will I tough it out and go au-natural (doubtful)? What outfit will I put her in first? Will it be pink (yes!)? Will it have princesses, fairies, unicorns, or flowers on it? Will she have enough hair for a bow? Will she need a soft pink beanie if she's bald (lol)? Will she be as SWEET as her brother? Will she love her mama as much as her brother? Will she give me sweet baby hugs and kisses when she learns how? Will she be talkative? Or super active? What will her favorite animal be? Will she enjoy shopping? Car rides? Stroller rides? Baby-wearing?

I could go ON and ON (even more than I already have!)...

The point is... I'm ready for this waiting game to end. I'm ready for the doubts and pessimism to go out the window. I'm ready to be healthily pregnant with my baby girl. No matter what the answer is to all of my questions, I'm just ready to get to know her (from the inside of my belly to the outside!). I'm ready to KNOW that she will exist one day.

I'm ready.

Early FET Progress!

So we're on the road to our FET (frozen embryo transfer)!!! I started Lupron Friday, Oct 14th. So far I'm not really feeling any side effects from the therapy. I have been a bit moody lately, but I'm HOPING that is a PMS sign!!! I do not have an exact date yet for my FET. I have to start AF first, and THEN I will have a definite FET date. So, for maybe the second time in my life, I am SOOOO ready for AF to start! I am guessing FET will be sometime mid-November based on my ETA for AF.

But, I'm starting to think that my period will be late. I never ovulated this month and my estrogen levels are elevated. I "know" this because my CBEFM (fertility monitor) has been reading "HIGH" for 11 days straight now. Usually it reads "High" for 2-3 days before I ovulate and that is it. Not 11 days straight! I'm worried that I might have an estrogen-producing cyst on one of my ovaries. Maybe I am a hypochondriac, but I asked my nurse to send me an order for an Estrogen blood check (she already is sending me an order to check my TSH, why not add one simple test to the mix?). I am waiting for her response, but I really hope she agrees!!! I have always lived by the motto, "It's better to be safe than sorry". So what could it hurt to just draw a blood level and check? If it is low, then my monitor is bonky, and I will just turn it off and stop POAS! lol. IF it is high, maybe they'll take me seriously and order an ultrasound of my ovaries to check for any cysts.

Don't get me wrong... I don't WANT them to find anything! I want more than anything to be able to get my pinky popsicle put inside my uterus next month on time!!! I would think that catching something early enough would mean I can still go through with my FET.

Anyway, I always tend to ramble on during blogs. So in a nutshell: I have started my Lupron and once AF starts I will know when my FET will be!!! YAY!!!

RESULTS!!!

Wow, I can't believe I forgot to post here as soon as the results were available!!!

Here is the PGD report from Genesis:

1) 46, XY (mosaic -16, -18) (Sample is 20-30% mosaic for Monosomy 16 & Monosomy 18)
2) 46, XY (euploid= normal)
3) 46, XX (euploid)
4) 45, XY; -16 (aneuploid: Monosomy 16)
5) 43, XY; -10, -17, -19 (Aneuploid: Monosomy 10, Monosomy 16 & Monosomy 19)
6) 46, XX (euploid)
7) 46, XY (euploid)
8) 45, XY; -20 (Aneuploid: Monosomy 20)
9) 46, XX, (Mosaic -19) (Sample is 20-30% mosaic for Monosomy 19)


So, as you can see we definitely have TWO healthy female embryos!!! And #9 looked like it was healthy, too, but displayed some mosaicism! So we possibly have 3 healthy girls!!! CRAZY!!! I cannot believe though that my DH made 6/9 BOYS!!! I KNEW he had more Y sperm than X!!! How LUCKY was it that 3 were girls and those were healthy! My boys had some problems! But my girls were strong and healthy!!! 


Dr. T said that both my girl embryos were grade A hatching blasts. You cannot ask for anything better than that!!! 


I begin Lupron on Oct 14th. I'm assuming my ER will be mid November sometime!!! I'll have a better idea once AF starts. 


Woo hoo!!! I cannot wait to be pregnant with my little girl!!!!

...STILL WAITING...

Soooo.... I was told by Genesis that I should get my results today. Well... it is almost 2pm and still NO NEWS!!! Grrrr.... The suspense is killing me!!!!

In other news... only 2 weeks until I start Lupron for my FET!!! Assuming I have something to transfer that is...

So many "what-ifs"! I hate the unknowns! I just want to KNOW if I have any healthy baby girls waiting for me!!! I am going CRAZY with the waiting!!!! lol

I'll post if I hear something... but I am starting to doubt whether it will be today... Probably going to be Monday I guess.... **sigh**

Still waiting...

Still waiting on the PGD report....

***Whistling Impatiently***

Biopsy Update!

Got an update today from my RE's nurse about my embryos!!! Out of the 11 embryos we had fertilize successfully with ICSI, 9 of them made it to day 5 (blastocyst stage) and were biopsied and frozen! Now we just need to wait on Genesis to get the results back to us! My RE's nurse said it would be 7-10 days before we get the results, but the Genesis Laboratory Coordinator told me to expect results 24-48 hours after they receive the samples. So HOPEFULLY I won't have to wait any longer than Wednesday for the PGD report!!! I am STOKED about 9 having survived!!! I never expected over 80% of my embryos to make it this far!!! Now, if only they could surprise me AGAIN and all be healthy (and female?!?!)!! That would be amazing!!! I am just praying for 1 or 2 healthy girls! But more would be awesome, too!!!!

The bad news though (never that good of news without some bad news, too!) is that my period having started on Saturday has set us back 3 weeks to start our FET. BOO!!! Now I do not start Lupron until Oct 14th. And then within 2 weeks I'll get my next period. And 20 days later I will get my transfer. So sometime around the middle of November will probably be our first FET. It seems like SO far away from now! But it will be here sooner than I know I'm sure. I am just going to try to enjoy these 3 needle/med-free weeks and hopefully time will pass quickly!

Next update will be the BIG one!!!! HOW MANY HEALTHY GIRL EMBRYOS WILL WE HAVE?!?!?! =)

Samesies!

Same Story... Different Day!

Just continuing to think about my embies today!! Today would be the last day that they stand a chance of becoming blastocysts and getting biopsied/frozen! As of tomorrow it is all up to fate! I HOPE we will hear news tomorrow, but I'm starting to think it will probably be more like Tuesday (if not Wednesday). This has been the LONGEST week in the history of weeks! lol.

Come on Baby Girls!!!!!

Grow Embies!

So I have been thinking about my Embryos a lot today!!! Today is Day 5... so HOPEFULLY a few of the 11 we started with have made it to blastocyst stage today and are being biopsied and freezed!!! Some may make it to blastocyst stage & freeze tomorrow, too! They say the "slow growers" are girls. So lets hope we have a FEW that make it tomorrow! lol.

I kept busy most of the morning, but since DS has been napping (3+ hours now) I have been having a hard time keeping my mind off my "babies". I just hope they are being well taken care of and are growing like they should!

I probably won't get the results from Genesis until Tuesday, but if I'm lucky I might hear something on Monday. If I'm SUPER unlucky, it won't be until Wednesday (that would SUCK!).

I am praying that we at least end up with 1 healthy girl embryo!!!

As for FET dates... that is getting more and more complicated by the day!!! I had some bright red bleeding last night, and called the service and my RE thinks that I am starting my period! I was supposed to start Lupron on CD 21 for my FET. Which WOULD HAVE BEEN Wednesday. But now that today is technically CD 1... do I have to wait 21 more days before starting Lupron? That is the first question I will be emailing my RE's nurse on Monday! lol. I will update as soon as I know more about the dates issue!

A Picture of a Blastocyst! Lets hope I have some of these!

Update Time

So much has happened since I last updated! I keep forgetting to post here since I post almost everything on GD!

Well, out of the 49 eggs I had retrieved, 31 of them were mature. Out of those.... 17 were FROZEN as eggs... and 14 were fertilized. Out of the ones fertilized, 11 were still growing on Tuesday morning. So that is the last I have heard about my embies and as far as I know that is the last I will hear until Genesis gives the report to RBA. Which could be 7-10 days. But Genesis assured me that once they get the biopsies it would be 24-48 hours before I hear results. They said that they "don't like to keep customers waiting". So that is good. I would say that means I should hear the news by Monday or Tuesday.

Then on Wednesday (9/29) I start the FET protocol. It is approx 2 weeks of Lupron and then a period. Then a bunch of other meds for 20 days before the actual transfer! It is a little bit more flexible than the fresh "harvesting" cycle. So I would *guess* my FET will be end of October/beginning of November! I have mixed feelings on this! On one hand, I cannot wait to be done with this whole process! But on the other hand... once I'm pregnant I possibly get to suffer through 18+ weeks of morning sickness and other miserable 1st trimester sensations... Bleck... Maybe I'll get lucky and get pregnant on my first FET AND not get any morning sickness! HA. A girl can dream, right?

Now, as for my 17 frozen eggs. That was drama... The last time I spoke with Dr. T... I had 27 follicles on my u/s and he was guessing 20ish would be mature and said that since I will not get too many more than 20 eggs that we would NOT be freezing any. Well, that day I THOUGHT I made it clear that I was relieved b/c I had changed my mind and did NOT want to freeze ANY eggs no matter what. And I KNOW for a fact, that I told the RE who actually DID my ER that I did NOT want her to freeze any. I remember saying, "Fertilize all of them". Even Jay can confirm that I said that. He knows we made that clear. Well, when I found out that they had frozen MORE THAN HALF... you can imagine how upset I was. I cried all afternoon. All during the 6 hour drive home from Atlanta. I was very upset. Dr. T called me and said we must have "gotten our wires crossed", b/c he thought that if I got over 20 it was assumed we would freeze the excess. Well, that still doesn't explain why MORE THAN HALF were frozen. If anything, they should have frozen anything over 20. So fertilize 20, and freeze the remaining 11. I have no idea who made the call to freeze so many, but I sure as hell hope that out of the 11 I still have growing at least 1 or 2 of them is a healthy girl. Dr. T has already agreed to cover any costs for thawing and PGD'ing the frozen eggs if we need to use them since it was against my wishes to freeze them.

Anyway, enough blabbering about that. I just HOPE that everything goes perfectly and these 11 embryos go on to make at least 1 healthy girl and she becomes our sticky baby!!!

49 Eggies!

My ER was this morning and it went well!!! At my last scan before ER, I had 37 follicles, but today at ER they were able to retrieve 49 eggs!!! I cannot believe it!!! No wonder I have been feeling full, bloated, achey, and just plain miserable the past 2 days! I am not even sure how it is physically possible to have 49 eggs, but I guess it is!!!

I'm cautiously optimistic! I realize that sometimes a greater quantity does not necessarily equal high quality. When the RE brought up the issue of freezing some eggs I told her "no", that I wanted all of my eggs fertilized. I just feel like my eggs have a LOT to go through and I want the highest odds that we will get some healthy XXs at the end. They have to survive fertilization, survive 5 days of in vitro growth to reach blastocyst stage, and then be tested normal on all levels by CGH. Honestly, I would feel blessed to have at least 2 healthy XXs after all of that. So we shall see how everything goes.

I am trying to take it easy today. I realize that this many eggs puts me at high risk of OHSS. I am trying to rest, stay off my feet, drink gatorade, eat salty foods, drink protein shakes, and my RE also put me on Dostinex which I started Saturday evening. I am just praying that I stay nausea-free. So far so good, but I know that I might still have some of the IV meds running through my body.

Keeping everything crossed for some healthy XX embryos out of the "litter"! lol

ER in the AM!

Well, getting ready to turn in for the night! Getting up bright and early for my egg retrieval in the morning!!! My ER is at 9am, but I have to arrive at RBA by 7:30am. I am super ready to have the ER over with! But I am super nervous about the possibility that I might have ovulated all my eggs away before ER time. I just hope the RE was taking good care and me and knew what he was doing to prevent this from happening! Out of 37 follicles I really hope I get at least 20 mature eggs. Wishful thinking maybe, but a girl can dream!!! I also am nervous b/c the last time I went under anesthesia was when I had my wisdom teeth removed in 2002. I did not tolerate the anesthesia well. I vomited profusely for 24 hours straight. I seriously hope that dose not happen this time. I just want to hurry up and be done with this whole process and be pregnant with my baby girl! Please, oh please, let this process be quick and painless!!!

Trigger Complete!

Just injected my Lupron Trigger!!! Hooray for only having to give a SQ shot instead of IM for trigger. 36 hours and counting!!!!!!! 9am on Monday cannot come fast enough!!! Also took my first Dostinex with dinner. Started drinking protein shakes, gatorade and eating saltier foods, too! Trying to avoid OHSS! Taking DS to the Children's Museum tomorrow on my day off from appointments and injections! Woot!!! Sooooo excited!!!

Triggering Tonight!

So the past 2 days have been crazy!

I was SO certain I would be triggering on Friday night to have ER a day early, on Sunday, but that was not the case! Boo. I was bummed b/c I wanted to get to go home a day earlier than expected! Oh well! I'm over it!

Yesterday's monitoring appt: My E2 was 2698 and I had 36 follicles!!! 22 on my left, and 14 on my right.

Today was my last monitoring appointment as I'm planning to trigger tonight! My E2 was 5400!!! I had 37 follicles. 22 on my left still, and now 15 on my right! Though based on the actual measurements, only about 21 are mature. That is good I guess. I mean, I want as many as I can get to have a better shot of getting some normal girls, but I do not want TOO many b/c my RE is concerned with having too high of an excess of eggs.

The plan is to fertilize all of the eggs and wait until day 5 (blastocyst stage) to biopsy and freeze them. Biopsies will be sent to Genesis lab for full-panel PGS screening. They said that within 24-48 hours I should hear the official news of how many normal boys and girls I have!!! Let's pray that I get a good amount of normal XX eggies!!! I told Jay to start "thinking pink"!!! I know that I have been calling my follicles "The Girls". Maybe a bit optimistic, but a girl can dream, right?

Unfortunately, Dr. T is not the "on-call egg retrieval doc" for Monday... so Dr. E will retrieve the eggs instead. According to my nurse, she is an "excellent egg sucker"! So I hope she wasn't "just sayin' that".

Tonight I take my Lupron trigger shot and tomorrow I have NOTHING!!!! No doctor's appointments... no shots... Nothing!!! Just a free day to spend with my husband, my baby boy, and my helpful father! I think we're going to go to the Children's Museum nearby.

After ER on Monday, I think I have to take it easy, and then I get to GO HOME on Tuesday!! YAY! I miss my puppy and my bed and my house and all my stuff!!! I surely hope all of this has been worth it and I get a beautiful baby girl in the end!

Oh, and here is a picture of my lovely left ovary full of 22 "girls"!

1st RBA Appt!

So I had my first monitoring appointment actually AT RBA in Atlanta! It went well! My E2 today was 2156 and I had 27 follicles (9 right, 18 left).

We discussed dates for my FET and we plan to start using THIS current cycle. So, assuming I have a healthy XX to transfer, I will begin Lupron on 9/28 and ET will be sometime around the end of October/Beginning of November.

We discussed my current number of follicles, and he is not planning to freeze any of my eggs at this point. He said he really only considered if it I had gotten way more than 20 eggs, but since I'll probably get 20 (give or take) we are going to fertilize ALL of the eggs and give them all a fair shot at becoming my future baby girl! I was SO relieved to hear that we will be fertilizing ALL of them! I was very skeptical of the idea of freezing my eggies.

I discussed my insomnia (which has been out of control, I got maybe 2 hrs of sleep last night) and he was amazing and wrote me a script for Xanax to take at night. I hope this helps me to finally get a good night's sleep! And best part is that he said it will not negatively impact any of my eggies for me to take the Xanax for sleep. Whew! I wouldn't risk it if that were the case!

What else? Hmm... I think that covers pretty much everything from today! I'm going to go try to take a NAP! ZzZzZzZz

CD 6 Appt

Just got back from my CD 6 appt (4 doses of Gonal-F 225u given thus far). I will update later what I know what my E2 and TSH levels were... assuming they actually drew the TSH this time. I'm a bit skeptical b/c she only drew 1 vial of blood and I think she would have drawn 2 if she had gotten the order to draw a TSH today as well. Whatever! They'll draw it eventually I'm sure!

OK, so my follies!!! I had 16 so far today! 10 on the left and 6 on the right. They ranged in size from 9mm-15mm. Most of the were 11 or 13. A few 9s and I think 2 or 3- 15s. Which she said is normal to have a couple of "lead follicles". So according to the nurse I am exactly where I should be after 4 shots! Which was good to hear! She predicted that I'll have around 20 follies when I go for ER since there were a few smaller ones that she did not bother measuring. Whew! What a relief to hear that I am responding and everything is going well! Lets hope the blood work comes back good as well.

And on a side note... nobody ever mentioned how PAINFUL it can be to have them measure your follicles! I swear she was prodding me so hard with that u/s wand. My toes were curled as I bit my tongue and tried to bear it. lol. At least next time I am prepared!

UPDATE: Just got the news that my Estrogen level was 839. I don't know much about that so I'm trusting the nurse and she said I was "right on track"!

She didn't mention my TSH level, so I'm going to assume the local RE didn't see the order they faxed and thus didn't draw it. SO I still have no idea what my thyroid is doing right now. Hopefully they won't cancel me last minute based on those results! But since I'm responding well and I'm NOT transferring an egg this cycle (freezing all) I do not think it's a big deal. Maybe I'm just being optimistic! lol

SOOO I started Ganirelix (like, literally, she said take my 1st shot as soon as I finished reading the email... so I did.) and I take that daily in the morning. Staying on the same dose of Gonal-F still in the evenings. And I do NOT need a monitoring appointment tomorrow (YAY!) but I will need to be IN ATLANTA for my appointment on Thursday with RBA. So we are driving up tomorrow! YAY! It's getting more and more real every single day!

First Injection Complete!!!

WHEW! Just finished my FIRST Gonal-F injection!!!! I swear, despite having given thousands of SQ injections at work in the past, I was shaking like a leaf getting ready for my injection!!! The kit they gave me had this cool tiny square ice pack and I placed that on the spot for a few minutes before injecting and I swear that thing was a miracle-worker! I didn't even feel it!!! Yay!!! My first injection is done!!! So excited!!! 1 day down... 10+ more to go! lol

Initial Visit!

So I had my initial visit this morning with the local RE. They sent all of my results to my actual RE at RBA and I just got the call from my nurse! My Estrogen was 33. Which she said was normal. My pregnancy test was negative (whew!). And I had no cysts on my ovaries. She forgot to add my TSH to the orders, so I am not sure what that is, but she did not seem too concerned with it. She just said Dr. T would want to see it come down some. So I guess it is no biggie!

I get to start my Gonal-F 225u SQ tonight at 9pm! I repeat this every night and my next appointment is Tuesday at 7:15am with the local RE. After this appt they will decide if I need to come up for the following appt (CD 7) or if I can go one more time to the local RE. But for sure I will need to be in Atlanta starting CD 8 and up until after embryo retrieval (tentatively Sep 19th).

Giving myself a SQ injection for the first time ever tonight!!!! Yikes!

Let The Fun Begin!

AF has officially come to visit!!! That means today officially starts DAY ONE of my first IVF cycle!!! My initial monitoring appointment is tomorrow (9/9) at 9:45am! (that's a lot of 9s!) My tentative Embryo Retrieval date is Monday 9/19. I am well aware that this date is subject to change based on the maturity of my follicles, but it still feels crazy to be talking actual dates!!! I am planning to take my dad with me to Atlanta starting next Wednesday night (9/15) and we'll stay until ER is complete. Jay will be joining us during the weekend and possibly staying until ER. However, if ER keeps getting pushed back then Jay will have to return home to go to work. He can miss 1-2 days, but cannot miss an entire week! I am SO nervous about spending a week alone with just my dad and my 15 month old son! More than anything, I am nervous about trying to survive a 5-6 hour drive with DS in the car. He is a HORRIBLE car-rider. I guess I just have to keep the end-result in my head and try to stay calm and flexible!

The next big question will be... WHEN will we go back for our FET? I, myself, am wondering the SAME thing!!! Of course I would love to go back as soon as possible! However, several weddings are getting in the way. One of which is out of state for me. It all depends on whether or not my RE can "manipulate" my next period for timing purposes. If I can start AF in time I could possibly squeeze one FET in before the Nov 5th wedding. We shall see. I cannot wait to be pregnant with my baby girl! It seems like such a dream, but to make it a reality seems crazy!

Oh, and I forgot to add, I still have to get my TSH re-drawn tomorrow. If it is still too high I guess they might cancel my cycle. How bad will that suck after getting SO excited about everything? SO BAD! FX that does NOT happen!!! lol

Longest 2WW Ever

I swear, this Two Week Wait (2WW) is longer than the one after ovulating (and conceiving my DS) back during my only month TTC in 2009! I'm not even TTC right now and I am bored and ready for the 2WW to end!!! Bring on AF!!! I'm ready to get started with this "harvesting" cycle!!! SO excited and anxious to know how many girl eggies we'll have waiting on ice after Genesis performs PGS. All my meds are here and waiting to be used!!! I'm expecting AF to arrive probably Mon-Wed next week. SO soon!!! SO excited!!! Crossing my fingers BIG TIME that my thyroid cooperates and will be at a level low enough for me to cycle!

SO SOON NOW!!!! YAY!!!

+OPK & Updates!

Updated the Price Li$t and Test Results posts!!! We now have a price tag on this cycle's medications and we got the results of MY genetic test. Also, today I got a +OPK and a "peak" reading on my CBEFM! Which means AF is only 10-14 days away... thus beginning my first cycle (as long as my TSH is OK). It is weird, I keep forgetting that my TSH is so high. I keep thinking that I am definitely going to cycle in a few weeks b/c of all the work and planning I've done... I keep forgetting it might not happen. That is such a bummer. I guess it is best to think happy thoughts and accept the bad if it happens. Better than thinking the worst the whole time! Getting a + OPK was such a surprise! I don't know why b/c last cycle I got a +OPK at CD 21 and today is CD 20. I just have been SOO stressed out about everything so I thought that I would either have an anovulatory cycle or be really late. I never expected to be early! Even if it is only by 1 day! lol.

Things are slowly but surely falling into place! Not long now!!!!!! YAY!!!

Blue & Pink: Test Results: I will try to keep a list of all our blood work and test results here on this entry! Semen Analysis : Normal Volume: 3.0 mL
Concentrat...

Blue & Pink: Price Li$t: Keeping a list of the expenses related to Gender Selection for our dream daughter: (OOP: Out of Pocket) (I: Insurance) RBA Consultation wi...

Thyroid U/S & Antibodies

So I got the news today that my thyroid u/s was abnormal. There were "multiple nodules" but they were all very small in size. None were larger than 5mm, and they do not worry unless they are greater than 1cm. So I will probably need to have repeat thyroid u/s's every 6-12 months to make sure the nodules do not get any larger. Also, my thyroid antibodies came back elevated. They were 719. And the normal level is anything less than 8.99. All of this leads me to believe I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. It is an autoimmune disorder that attacks the thyroid causing hypothyroidism. I still have to be on Synthroid though so not much changed despite more results. I will need blood levels monitored possibly forever to keep my TSH within a normal, healthy range. As depressing as it is to think that I'll have a medical condition that needs to be medicated for the rest of my life, I am happy that it is something quite manageable. They are going to test me for Rheumatoid Arthritis since my mother has this disease and it is also an autoimmune disease. The two could be interrelated. I will be devastated if I have RA. Just wanted for the lab order to come in the mail and then I'll go get my blood drawn to test for RA. I am praying hard that the test is negative.

Results are in!

I posted below (test results entry) but I'll post here as well, the rest of my pre-testing lab values are in! Everything looks great! So here are the fertility values:

LH: 4.8
Estradiol: 26
FSH: 5.1
AMH: 6.32
Prolactin: 2.3


Also had my thyroid ultrasound today. I'm not sure what the results are yet, but I did watch the u/s tech measuring a few "dark spots" on my thyroid. I asked her if they were bad (I know she isn't allowed to discuss results but I didn't want to worry for days if it was normal) and she said it was "nothing to lose sleep over", but that my doctor will discuss all the results with me when she receives the official report from the radiologist. She did say that if they haven't called by Friday I could call them b/c the results would definitely be ready by then. Whew! I would hate to have to wait the weekend with NO answers! I'm actually a little nervous now. I went into the thyroid u/s thinking it was just going to be routine and nothing special and now I'm actually a little nervous about the results. I wish I hadn't been watching the u/s monitor! Made me super paranoid that those "dark spots" were something really bad. But if she said I shouldn't lose sleep then I will try not to dwell and worry. (Easier said than done).

Done with Pretesting!

So it's official!! As of today at 3pm I am DONE with all of my IVF pre-testing!!! I had my last test today, the sonohysterogram (SHG). It went well! It did not hurt one bit. A little bit uncomfortable, but definitely not painful. I barely felt any cramps when the catheter was introduced and the water injected into my uterus. The OB/GYN said that everything looked normal! I got to see my uterus and my ovaries and they all looked normal! Whew!

Now if only I could get the REST of my pre-testing results!!! STILL waiting to hear about my FSH, LH, and Estradiol levels from CD 3. That was a week ago! Erg! I'm not very patient!

I had an allergic reaction to the generic Levothyroxine, so the pharmacy switched me to the brand name- Synthroid. Today I am feeling much better! On Friday my eyes started feeling dry and scratchy, then by Sunday I had hives and my whole face felt itchy and flushed! It felt like I had cats all over me (I'm deathly allergic to cats)! So far I am feeling better instead of worse on the Synthroid. If it was the active ingredient (Levothyroxine) that I was allergic to I would still be getting worse even on the brand name version, but I am feeling better so I think it was something in the generic pill. I had heard of people not tolerating generic Levo well, but I had hoped I wasn't one of them! Guess I was wrong! Now lets hope that my 50mcg of Synthroid a day are doing the trick!!!

I'm getting so hopeful (but trying to stay realistic) that I actually might be able to cycle in a few weeks! If the rest of my pre-testing comes back normal, and my TSH stabilizes then there is a good possibility it will happen! However, I have heard that it may take more than a month for my TSH to come back down to normal as it is a gradual decrease when starting Synthroid. So I'm trying to stay realistic and not get my hopes up too high.

I'll update when I know anything else!

High TSH

So I got the results on Friday of my blood work and I got a very unwelcome surprise. My TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was very elevated at 7.79 (normal range 0.5-4.5). I talked to the nurse and she said that Dr. T wants me to get started on a medication called "Synthroid" immediately.

I am very nervous about this b/c thyroid issues can possibly be lifelong. And Synthroid is a medication that I could possibly need to take for the rest of my life. My TSH indicated I have hypothyroidism. Dr. T seemed to think it was either thyroid disease from my family history (an Aunt had hyperthyroidism resulting in a thyroidectomy) or hypothyroidism related to postpartum changes. Apparently having a baby can sometimes mess up your hormones (go figure!). So I'm hoping it is just postpartum hypothyroidism and not thyroid disease. I would hate to require Synthroid for the rest of my life. I hate requiring to take medications every day. I feel healthier the less meds I take. I am currently only on Centrum Silver (a multivitamin) and Folic Acid (a supplement to reduce the chance of neural tube defects).

According to Dr. T I should be able to cycle in September still, but I need to take Synthroid for a full month, have my TSH redrawn, and get results within normal limits. I went to see my primary care physician today to see about having my TSH redrawn (just want to confirm that my TSH is indeed elevated). Much to my dismay she forced me to tell her that I was having IVF for family balancing. She was SOO judgmental! I could tell that she was opposed to the idea. Even though she naturally had a boy then a girl. MUST BE NICE! Stupid doctor. Makes me want to change PCPs! I'm already nervous about the WHOLE process, and now add concern for my thyroid to the list... the last thing I needed was to get judged by my doctor. Ugh. But she did order the re-draw of my TSH and other thyroid levels. She also ordered a thyroid ultrasound to check for nodules (not even going to write the "C-Word". Hopefully those will all be normal and nothing else gets in the way with my September cycle!

I'm SOO excited about the thought that in a little over a month, I will (hopefully) have a little girl embryo (or 2?) on ice waiting to get cozy in my belly!!!! I'm trying to remain optimistic and I think it IS going to happen!!!

My next step with preparing for IVF is to get my sonohysterogram (SHG) done next Monday (Aug 15). Wish me luck!!!

Test Results

I will try to keep a list of all our blood work and test results here on this entry!

Semen Analysis: Normal

• Volume: 3.0 mL
• Concentration: 42 million
• Motility: 56%
• Morphology: 7%
• pH: 7.6

AMH: 6.32 (high, but confirmed Dr. T thinks it is good)

FSH: 5.1


LH: 4.8


Estradiol: 26


CBC: Normal


Prolactin: 2.3


TSH: 7.79 (very high. See post about my TSH)


Sonohysterogram: Normal

D & J's Genetic Screens: Came back + as a carrier for a genetic condition called Alpha 1- Antitrypsin Deficiency but I am not a carrier, so our children will not be affected! WHEW! However, we both came + as *affected* (not just carriers) of MTHFR Deficiency. This means all of our children will 100% be affected (again, not carriers, but affected). Not a big deal, but at least we are aware! Only affects women and possibly increases the chance of a neural tube defect during pregnancy. But with folic acid supplements I (and my future daughter) should be fine and have nothing to worry about!!!

Consultation Information

I'm FINALLY getting around to updating the blog about the Friday consultation with Dr. T @ RBA! I have been wanting to update since we got back but it has been hectic!!!

Wow! So we were at RBA from 10am (consult was scheduled for 10:30am) until 4pm!!!!! Yeah, 6 hours!!!! It was crazy! But we got SO much done!!! We had our consultation with Dr. T and I must say we absolutely loved him! He seemed very nice, non-judgmental about sex-selection IVF, and full of confidence about my chances. I know that I am safe-guarding myself by being super pessimistic, but he definitely seemed confident that I am going to produce tons of eggs (he was saying 20) and that we WILL get out daughter in the end!

We also met with the genetics counselor (protocol) and decided that Jay would get a genetic screening done for cystic fibrosis and many other genetic diseases that he could possibly be a carrier for. As long as he screens negative, I will not need to get tested. But if he screens positive for something, I will need to also be screened. If we are both carriers to something, we have a 1 in 4 chance of passing it to our child. With PGD involved, we could avoid any embryo with this genetic condition. The odds of us both being carriers of something is low since we have no history and no problems, but it never hurts to know for sure. I hope that insurance will cover some of the test b/c she said it is $400! We sent them a bill, but I absolutely expect it to get rejected and to have to pay out of pocket! lol.

We also met with the financial advisor from RBA. She went over all of the finances involved. I would post them on the Expenses list I started, but I am going to wait until I actually PAY something before I list it as an expense b/c things could change or be added. I'm assuming with everything we want done and with a multi-cycle package (2 fresh, 2 frozen) that we are looking at a WHOLE total of somewhere from $25,000 - $30,000. Ouch! It's going to hurt writing that check! But we will manage.

I also was given a pelvic exam by Dr. T. Was not expecting that one! Thank goodness I shaved my legs that morning! lol. It's funny, but I had NO idea what he was doing "down there". It wasn't until the end of the day with my "IVF nurse consult" that she informed me he performed my "mock transfer"! He talked about my uterine sound and I had NO clue what he was talking about. So I asked the nurse later on and when she described it I said, "that isn't by chance also called a 'mock transfer' is it?" and she said, "yes"! So I was like, holy cow! I had my mock transfer and had NO clue! Geez Louise!

We also both gave blood samples for some routine tests they need to perform before we can cycle. And Jay had to give a semen sample for a semen analysis! Talk about awkward! lol. We had NO idea we would be doing all of those tests on Friday so we were unprepared! Jay was RED in the face when Dr. T told him we would be doing it today (friday). lol.

Lastly we had a nurse consultation where we discussed my protocol "bible". Dr. T is putting me on an Antagonist protocol using the drugs Gonal F (225 iu) and Ganirelix. No birth control (whew!). Of course I'll also be on an antibiotic at the start. Will trigger with HCG. After my ET (egg retrieval) the cycle will be over technically.

We decided to go with CGH for our PGD testing. It is with Genesis Genetic Institute. However, Dr. T prefers a day 5 biopsy with CGH and therefore we will not have the results in time for a transfer that cycle. We will freeze all of the embryos and go in for a FET (frozen embryo transfer) at a later date. I am hoping we can squeeze a cycle in before Christmas holiday (cutoff is Dec 20 at RBA). I PRAY my cycle starts late November so I can get a sweet little Christmas present! That is assuming my first FET works. I hope I'll get more than one healthy female embryo to freeze.

One thing that was unique with Dr. T is that he wants me to freeze half of the eggs I get (assuming I get 15-20+ eggs). Since I am not infertile and young, he thinks I'll get around 20 eggs. And if I get 20 and the majority fertilize (and half are female) he is worried we would have more embryos than we could possibly use. By freezing half and fertilizing only half, we will reduce the number of embryos that we will discard after I become pregnant. RBA is one of the top fertility clinics in the nation for their egg cryopreservation, so they are one of the only facilities that I would EVER trust to freeze an egg (instead of an embryo). I think this will be OK. I'm nervous that I won't respond as well as he thinks, but in that case we will just definitely fertilize all of them. We will see how well my pre-testing blood work turns out. So far my mock transfer was fine. He said I have a uterus in the right position and that there were no blockages. (whew!)

So I have a VERY long to-do list to complete before my September cycle. Oh yeah, and did I mention we are going to start in SEPTEMBER now instead of October? Since there is zero possibility of us getting pregnant with a freeze cycle, we are not worried with how early we start. Rather, we are worried that if we wait until October, there is a SMALL (but possible) chance that our egg retrieval wil be on my sister's wedding! Yikes! That would be HORRIBLE!!! So IF (a big IF) we can get everything ready in time, Dr. T says we can go ahead and cycle in September. Then we will go back for the FET in November, EARLY december, or January sometime! Hoping we can squeeze in a November cycle, but there are weddings and special occasions all happening in November, so it might not happen! And RBA won't cycle in December if you are likely going to need ET after Dec 20. So that might hinder December. But January is FAIR GAME!!!

And I say the to-do list is long, and I mean long... We have to call ARC and work on paying for everything. Call Genesis to setup arrangements for PGD. Find a local RE to monitor my cycle (so I only need to go to Atlanta when it's close to ER). Schedule blood work for cycle day 2 or 3. Schedule a sonohysterogram (SHG) with my local OB. And call our insurance to see if any meds are covered and which pharmacy to use. Otherwise we'll use the cheapest one that RBA knows of. Yikes! So much to do and so little time to get it done!! But worst case scenario, we just cycle in October and CROSS OUR FINGERS it doesn't conflict with weddings!!!

Well, that is all the updates I have for now! (as if that was short). I'll post anything else that I go through as soon as it happens!!! Yay! So excited to get started!!!

Pessimistic Dream!

So last night I had a pessimistic dream about my upcoming IVF/PGD cycle!!! I dreamed that I had my embryo retrieval and only had 3 eggs retrieved total. In my dream (and IRL) I kept thinking that I should have gotten 10-15 eggs based on my age and high fertility. But in my dream (and IRL) I knew that those factors don't always mean anything during an IVF cycle! I was very sad and disappointed! However, on the bright side, in my dream I sent the 3 off to GSN and had 2 come back abnormal and 1 come back normal and the 1 normal embryo happened to be a girl!!! Despite being happy that I had a girl to transfer, I remember being sad b/c I wanted to have at least one "spare" to put on ice in case the first cycle didn't work. B/c in my dream (and IRL) I realize that the odds of being a OHW are slim to none. So I was sad not to have a back-up embryo.

What does this dream tell me??? That I dwell on IVF/PGD TOO MUCH!!!! lol. If I am dreaming such detailed dreams then I really think about it too often! I gotta relax a bit! haha

Consult is THIS Friday!

I cannot believe how exciting this is!!! My consultation with Dr. T is THIS Friday!!! It seems like I have been waiting for months for this consult and now it is almost here!!! DH and I are still debating when we are going to start out first cycle of IVF. It will most likely be sometime between Oct and Jan. I'm leaning towards October only b/c I do not think the first cycle is going to work and I want to get it "out of the way". I know that sounds pessimistic, but I am actually OK with it. I think if I go into it knowing it will take 2-3 cycles that I will be less disappointed if (when) the first cycle fails. And if I magically become a OHW (one hit wonder) then I will be surprised and no less excited!!!

I cannot wait to hear what Dr. T has to say! And I cannot wait to hear my DH asking questions b/c all he ever does is avoid the topic (it makes him nervous!). We will have a decision on when we will start IVF probably within the next 3 weeks! I am trying not to rush the decision so we feel ready to start when the time comes.

EEEEE!!! I'm giddy with excitement!!! I cannot wait to have a tiny baby growing in my belly again!!!!

Price Li$t

Keeping a list of the expenses related to Gender Selection for our dream daughter:

(OOP: Out of Pocket) (I: Insurance)

RBA Consultation with Dr. T = $250 (OOP)

Medications (1st Cycle- Freeze Only) = $2787.80 (OOP, but insurance covered a few meds)

ARC Two-Cycle Plus Package with ICSI = $18,021.15 (OOP)

Baby Fever

Got a serious case of Baby Fever today... cannot stop thinking about how excited and anxious I am to get started with this IVF process so I can be pregnant with my dream daughter! Not sure I can even stand the month long wait I have left before my IVF consultation!!! Let alone another 4 months or so after that! I really want to get started ASAP! Kinda glad I pushed my consult to the end of July b/c if it were sooner I would probably be wanting to get pg even sooner than I physically can already! Geez! The good thing is that I think my DH is willing to CONSIDER bumping up our start date. Not sure how much sooner he is willing to get started, but I hope we are on the same page when it comes that time that I cannot stand to wait any longer!

I think getting my cycle back has added fuel to the fire. Knowing that I was ovulating last week for the first time in 2 years was a really emotional experience. I was excited to know that I am fertile again. Bummed to know AF will be coming to visit in 2 weeks. And nostalgic knowing that the last time I ovulated I became pregnant with my DS! What a miraculous time that was! The last OPKs I peed on before the ones last week were the ones that helped me conceive my amazing son. So special! So emotional!

Kinda makes me wonder what this egg would have become had I "fertilized" it! lol. Maybe it would have been a girl! And all of this IVF planning would have been pointless. Maybe I would have gotten my dream daughter without all the pain and money that IVF costs! Geez. This process is full of "what ifs".

I hope I can stand to wait a little longer before starting IVF!!!

Another Pregnancy Dream!

Only this time I got pregnant naturally on accident and all I remember was crying my eyes out feeling "sure" it was a boy again. I remember being mad that we got pregnant naturally b/c we were planning to do PGD and now we couldn't! 

Well, when I woke up, I freaked out a little (b/c since I'm still breastfeeding I have yet to have a period) and so I POAS to make sure I'm not having pregnancy dreams b/c I'm actually pregnant. Whew. It was a negative (BFN!). Thank goodness! Not that we have not been "careful", but not having had a period in 2 years makes me always a little nervous. 

On the IVF front-- We cannot decide on a permanent "start date". As I've mentioned we started out saying February 2012. Then we bumped it up to December 2011. Now I am not sure. Some days I am sooo excited and anxious and want to start ASAP, but then some days I fear I might rush into it and I want to wait until December again. 

The only thing that is for certain is that our consultation is July 29th. After that we will just have to see what we really feel like doing. Whatever feels right. I'm not sure what that is today, but I hope I will know soon.

Excited!

Just wanted to update and say that there really isn't anything TO update!!! Getting SUPER excited about my consult with RBA next month!!! I know it is a small step, but it is our first official step towards getting IVF for our baby girl!!! I am still waiting to get my period back since breastfeeding my son, and I don't know how pre-testing works, but I might need to have a normal cycle before getting all my bloodwork and tests done. However, I am SO excited to get all my pre-testing work done and see results to see whether or not I am going to be a good IVF candidate! As early as I am allowed I will be pre-testing!

6 months!!

Today is June 1st, which means December, and the month I start my GS IVF journey, is in only 6 months!!! I am soooo excited to get the journey started, but there is so much living to enjoy in the meantime!! I am loving watching my DS grow & learn new things! I do not wish the time away, but it is still fun to look forward to my dream girl!!!

Only 6 more months!!!!!

And less than 2 months until my consultation with Dr. T @ RBA!!! =)

First Consultation Booked!!!!

We booked our first consultation! Dr. T at RBA on July 29th!!! It's only a 6 hr drive so we're gonna go meet him in person so we can also get a look at the clinic and the area. I know it is 2 months away but I am soooo excited! It's the first step in something I've been excited about for months now!!!

I am not sure how long it takes to get in for a consult at the other 2 places I'm interested in, so I might need to call them soon, too!! I'm just trying to wait until July to move along bc I do not want to rush Jay and overwhelm him. I know he is super nervous about this process so I am trying to respect his opinions. Plus I want to wait until DS's birthday is over bc there is soooo much on my plate with finishing up this party!!! It's going to be awesome!!!

Anyway, it might seem tiny and insignificant to some, but having a consultation on the books means a huge deal to me!!! Soooo excited!!!

Might Move Up Start Date

So we had picked February 2012 as our "start date" for IVF simply based on due dates (I do not want another summer due date-- would love a late fall/early winter due date) and DS's age (we wanted him to be around 2 1/2 when DD is born). However, now that we are starting to plan our IVF cycle in more detail, we were thinking about a good time for Jay to take time off from work.

He works for a university, so he gets 2 weeks off between Christmas and New Years-- perfect time for us to cycle IF (key word IF) the IVF clinic we choose works through holidays. Wouldn't it be horrible luck if I need to have an ER (Embryo Retrieval) or ET (Embryo Transfer) on New Year's Eve and nobody was there to perform it!!! So if they work (and I'm not talking ON Christmas or New Years-- although having someone on-call at that time would be pretty mandatory I think) during these 2 weeks then that would be our BEST time to cycle for Jay to be able to come with me.

If that does not work for the IVF clinic, we might have to wait until March to cycle (or if that cycle fails we might have to wait until March for cycle #2). Jay doesn't get spring break off, but he could more easily take time off. And then if that cycle fails, we would probably have to wait until May (another time that is easy to take off since university students have a break between spring classes and summer classes).

So tentatively, as of today (it changes so often), we are planning it out this way:
Cycle #1: December
Cycle #2: March
Cycle #3: May

I think we have set a maximum to 3 cycles (for monetary reasons), so if these all fail, then I guess it's back to the natural bump-and-grind and cross your fingers for a girl. Yikes! But I don't want to think about that just yet.

As for the IVF clinic we are going to chose I am starting to narrow down my list. I called RBA in Atlanta and tried to schedule a consult with Dr. Toledo in July, but they are only booking June right now, so I am supposed to call back in June to schedule a July consultation. I am also planning to consult with Dr. Potter at HRC in California, but it would make our co$t$ go way up to travel so far. I would LOVE to use him as I feel he might be the best in the business, but money might restrict that. I MIGHT also consult with a local RE in town that performs IVF for GS, but I am not sure I would feel comfortable putting so much trust in a RE I know nothing about and haven't heard any success (or failure) stories from ladies on GenderDreaming.com. So for now those are the 3 I am going to schedule consults with. Might schedule more if I do not like any of these 3, so we shall see.

If are do start in December, that bumps up our 6 month countdown to June!!! Basically 2 weeks!!! I was always planning to start consultations 6 months from our expected start date, but for some reason June seems too soon to start consults, so I am working on scheduling them for July.

Well, those are all the updates for now!!! I can't believe we MIGHT be bumping up our start date by 2 months!!! This really gets me excited!!! I hope it works out!!!

Dream

I guess all of the drama yesterday with finding out my friend is having a girl was fresh on my mind last night b/c it leaked over into my dream state and I had a wonderful dream!!!

I dreamed that I was pregnant with twin girls!!! I even got to have them in my dream and see their tiny faces!!! They were freaky looking but it was just a dream and of course my subconscious has no idea what my baby girl(s) will look like! I remember being scared about having twins, but happy to finally have my baby girl(s!!!)

I remember in my dream being excited about the girls but confused b/c I only had one embryo transfered. HA! Even in my dreams I know what I want to do in the future. And the weirdest part was that they were not identical-- so they were 2 different babies. That is practically impossible with a SET! Maybe if they were identical it would have meant that the one egg I transfered split in the process, but I remember definitely that they were not identical b/c they looked different and I even questioned the "HOW" in my dream. lol

Anyhoo... it was just nice to live in a world for even a second that I was euphoric... Had my beautiful son and 2 beautiful baby girls... Awww.... if only...

Again...

I know I just posted this last time, but here goes again...

ANOTHER friend just announced today that she is expecting a girl. Many of the people I know that are currently pregnant are basically "Facebook Friends", so it hurts to see all the girl babies, but they don't hit that close to home... however... the friend I found out about today really struck a nerve. We are friends IRL and I REALLY wanted her to have a boy so I could have someone to share boy stories with and boy clothes with and just gush about boys with. She did not care about the gender (I would never purposefully wish GD upon anyone), and I really thought that she was going to have a boy.

Thank goodness my sister has a boy, b/c otherwise I would have ZERO friends with boys. ALL of my friends have girls.

Makes me relive the GD I experienced when I heard the words "It's a boy" at my own ultrasound. I just sat there today for an hour crying and grieving over the fact that everyone else in my world gets to have exactly what I want but not me.

And there has been SO much bad news on the GS boards I follow. So many BFNs going around. I know my young age is in my favor with IVF, but it is SUCH a luck-of-the-draw situation. I could spend $60,000 and STILL not have a baby girl to show for it.

It also just makes me sad that I even have these feelings at all. I saw the FB announcement of her baby girl while I was breastfeeding my son and even though I was looking into his beautiful, sweet, nursing face all I could think about is how sad I am that I don't have a baby girl and I literally started crying while he nursed. How pathetic am I? It breaks my heart. I do not want him to EVER know that I wanted a baby girl. He is such a blessing and I am so lucky to have him as my son. He deserves to be treasured and loved whole-heartedly and I think I am doing a good job of it.

I swear, if I have to go to ONE more ALL-PINK baby shower I am going to go insane!!!! I want my own pink baby shower!!!!!! I am such a girly-girl!! I want pink! And fairies, and unicorns, and princesses, and flowers, and cupcakes!!! It's days like today that make my February start-date seem like FOREVER away!!! But I am trying to be patient and just enjoy my time with my DS. His birthday is next month and until this stupid announcement that has been occupying most of my time. I guess I'll just keep my mind busy and stop thinking about my hopefully-future-baby-girl...

Girls, Girls, Everywhere!!!!

Sooo... I swear, everyone I know is having girls!!! I keep reminding myself that it WILL be my turn soon, but I can't help the pang of jealousy I feel every time I see ANOTHER friend announce they are expecting a girl. 3 more friends made their pink announcements this week. I am happy for them and would never wish GD on anyone else (not sure if they even had a gender preference or not), but I can't help but feel jealous every time I see "It's A Girl" on someone else's page.

I cannot wait until it is my turn to tell friends and family, "It's a Girl!". Hmm, let's ASSUME my GS IVF takes on the first try in February (wishful thinking)... I will be announcing my pink bundle of joy after my 18 week ultrasound... so... that would mean that sometime in ~June 2012~ I will be getting to tell people that I'm expecting a girl!!!

*sigh*... I love wishful thinking...

Abbreviations & Explanations

I am going to keep a list (and update as necessary) to explain any abbreviations or non-self-explanatory terms.

DH: Darling Husband

DS: Darling Son. My beautiful angel and the love of my life.

Dee: Me!

Embryo: A fertilized egg

ER: Embryo Retrieval

ET: Embryo Transfer

FET: Frozen Embryo Transfer. If we are lucky enough to have more than one healthy female embryo we will freeze it (them) and if our first cycle fails we will have a FET.

FSH: Follicle Stimulating Hormone

GSN: Gene Security Network. A specific company that uses PGD to test ALL 24 chromosomes to detect any and all abnormalities that might be missed on a test that only screens a smaller number of chromosomes.

IVF: In Vitro Fertilization. My egg is fertilized outside of my body and returned to my uterus after testing is performed.

Jay: DH (Darling Husband)

LH: Luteinizing Hormone

PGD: Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis. Embryo testing for genetic abnormalities. 1 cell is removed from an embryo (without harming the embryo) and sent to test genetic material for abnormalities.

POAS: Pee on a stick. Like for pregnancy or ovulation tests.

SET: Single Embryo Transfer. Only one egg is returned to my uterus at a time.

SHG: Sonohysterogram

Planning

Our current plan is to start our 1st IVF cycle in February of 2012. That is exactly 9 months away from right now and I'm sure the time will go quickly as it already has since DS (Darling Son) was born. I am still breastfeeding DS and plan to wean him this summer after his first birthday. I have contacted a few IVF clinics and know that most of them require that I have at least 3 normal menstrual cycles after weaning before they will start IVF (I have not even had ONE period since DS was born). Since I will have weaned by this summer, I am sure that will leave plenty of time for my body to adjust back to normal fertility cycles before February.

One doctor I talked with said that I should begin consultations about 6 months before my expected IVF cycle. So in my case, I plan to start scheduling consults around August. I have not decided which doctors I am going to consult with, but I have a few in mind (See list below).

My husband and I feel strongly that we would not like to have twins (of course if fate see fit to give us twins we would welcome them lovingly, but we are not going to TRY to have twins). Which means we will have a SET (Single Embryo Transfer-- 1 egg placed in the uterus at a time). In order to increase our chances that our SET will be a success, we have done research and feel like GSN is our best bet (Gene Security Network-- tests more of the DNA of the embryo to find the healthiest egg which will be the most likely to result in a healthy baby). Of course GSN will also let us know which embryos (eggs) are boys and which are girls. If we are lucky, we will have more than one healthy girl egg and we can freeze them for future FET's (Frozen Embryo Transfers) if our first cycle fails. However, I am optimistic and crossing my fingers to be one of the lucky few OHW's (one hit wonders)

Our list of clinics we are interested in.

1. Dr. Potter with HRC
• He is very well-known and respected amongst the GD community.
• Works with GSN
2. Dr. Shaykh with AFP in Northeast Florida
• Very close to where I live
• Works with GSN
3. Dr. Denker with Palm Beach Fertility Center
• Reasonably close to where I live and have heard success stories from GD community.
• Works with GSN
4. RBA in Atlanta
• Reasonably close and have heard success stories from GD community.
• DOES NOT work with GSN though...

Of course I still have a few months to make adjustments to the list of doctors we consult with so I am keeping my mind open and trying to watch others in the GD community and who they use and whether they have positive or negative things to say.

So far this is really as much as I have done. I'm sure this blog will be slow for a few months because February is still 9 months away and things probably won't pick up until it gets closer to D-day. 

I am SUPER excited to get the process started, but in the meantime I am just enjoying every minute with my beautiful DS and watching him grow and learn new things every day!!!

Introductions

Every fairy tale starts like this and I want a "happily ever after" so lets get started!!!

Once upon a time...

there lived a little girl named Dee. She was a girly girl growing up. Always wearing pink. A cheerleader in high school. Ribbons & bows, dresses & shoes crowding her closet. Always playing with barbies and baby dolls. Dreaming of sharing all of her girly passions with her own little girl one day.

Well that little girl is all grown up and I am her. Every time I imagined having children I imagined I would have a household full of girls! Coming from generations of all-girl families I figured it was a given.

In the fall of 2009 I discovered I was pregnant with my first baby!!! I was sooo excited! It was finally going to be the moment in my life where I would meet my first daughter.

In the winter of 2009 I went in for my gender scan ultrasound. At that appointment I heard something I was not ready for, "You're having a boy!!!"

It was at that moment I truly understood what the term "gender disappointment" means. I had hoped (even though I always knew I desired a girl) that as long as the baby was healthy I would be happy no matter what the gender was. However I experienced extreme sadness and depression after finding out I was expecting a son. I did not get to buy the pink dresses or ruffle butt bloomers. I could not buy the giant flower headbands or pink knit hats. I would not have a pink themed nursery. Nothing I had envisioned and been excited about was going to come true. Everyone told me that once I held my son and saw his sweet face that I would fall instantly in love. But I had my doubts. If I was that sad during my pregnancy, how would I fall in love as everyone said?

But in the summer of 2010 when my son was born they were all proved right. I held him, looked into his face, patted his soft, fuzzy head, nursed him, and knew that I was in love and would do anything for him. He is my little prince that I never knew I always wanted.

However, loving my son with all my heart does not change the fact that I still desire to have a daughter. I would never love a daughter more than my son (in fact, just like most new moms would say, I have no idea how I could ever love another baby as much as I love my son), but I still yearn for all the girly things and womanly bonds that only exist between mother and daughter. My mother-to-son bond is special, and something I absolutely treasure and would never change.

Many people might say that I am heartless or cruel for having my feelings, but one cannot help the way they feel and I am not alone. Gender disappointment affects many women and of all different situations. It can affect a first time mom having the opposite gender as desired (me), or it can happen to a mom having her 6th baby of the same gender.

Whatever your situation, people feel the way that they feel and cruel judgment is unhelpful and if you have never experienced GD (gender disappointment) you may never understand. I hope you never have to go through it. It makes you feel very ashamed, very confused, and very depressed. Something I would not wish upon my worst enemy.

Due to the sensitive nature of this topic I have decided to keep this blog anonymous and all names and birthdays have been changed to protect the privacy of anyone I mention.

So on to the purpose of this blog...

My husband (the most supportive and understanding man I know- lets call him Jay) and I have decided to go "high tech" and attempt to use In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) to attain our dream of a daughter to complete our family. We decided a long time ago that we only wanted 2 children and in order to guarantee the next one is a girl IVF is really the only option.

I am VERY aware that IVF is not always successful. I'm assuming that even with my young (25y) age and previous fertility (we conceived our son on the first try) I still probably only have a 50% chance that this will work.

However, we have decided to be optimistic and go for it anyways. I would rather fail and say that we gave it our best shot than always wonder "what if" we had tried IVF.

So, I hope that if you are interested in having IVF for GS (gender selection) you find my blog helpful! I am learning new things about this process everyday and plan to share anything that I learn. Thank you for witholding negative comments.