BFN

Well, I tested this morning at 6dp5dt and it was a BFN. Not even a tiny glimmer of hope. It was clearly stark white.

It is just so hard to go through this process and especially watching other people go through the exact same thing and get BFPs. I want others to succeed, but at the same time I get so angry with the universe and ask, "WHY NOT ME"??? Am I not good enough to deserve success? Did I do something wrong? Am I not worthy of a daughter? What was wrong with my embryo? She was chromosomally perfect... grade A... my uterus was great... what went wrong? Why didn't she want to stay with me? And why did Dr. T seem so confident that I would succeed? Was he just giving me false hope all along?

Blah. I know, I am Debbie Downer today... for real. I know I will get over this hurdle and pick myself up off the ground and start over in a few weeks. It is just very hard to feel optimistic today. If it didn't work THIS time... what would make it work next time? Or the time after that? What would change then that would give me a better outcome?

Anyway, people want me to stay optimistic b/c apparently it "could still happen", but I feel like in my head it is better to think of it as over. It is much easier to be pleasantly surprised than to keep my hopes up even the slightest bit just to get crushed all over again.

I will probably skip a day and test one more time on Wednesday. After that I will not test and I will just go for my beta on Friday. I am certain that I will get bad news, but I need the confirmation before we can move on and start heading towards FET #2. It is just so disheartening. I used to be so optimistic and so excited about everything. Now I just worry that my future holds nothing but disappointment and rejection.

I will update again once I test on Wednesday.