Thursday, March 8, 2012

Bleeding

The actual miscarriage began today. It is a lot different than I expected. Passed several large clots and it has been extremely heavy bleeding. Although the heaviness seems to comes and go. I feel so very sad. And also a little bit empty. I just feel so extremely depressed. I try to do fun things, especially with DS, to take my mind off of things but it is always temporary. Anytime I have some time alone (even if I'm just alone in my head) I can't stop thinking about the baby girl that I lost and the pregnancy that will never be. I just want all of the pain to be over. I want to have moved on from this. I am sure that the only way I will ever truly move on is to become pregnant again (and STAY pregnant). However I do not want to rush into it.

We are planning some fun vacations to start making "happy memories" to replace some of the horrible ones that have occurred lately. Hopefully it works. It if means pushing back my next FET to June instead of May... so be it. I think all of the waiting and disappointment has finally gotten rid of my impatience. I just finally realized... I'm in NO rush. I am not RACING anyone. I am YOUNG. My son is still a "baby" in my eyes (even though he'll be 2 in less than 3 months). There is plenty of time for a nice AGE GAP between my babies. I always said I wanted them 2-3 years apart. If I am closer to 3 years than 2... SO WHAT? What's the different? Honestly, it's probably easier to have a baby with a 3 year old running around than a 2 year old. Kids seem to get less "needy" the older they get. At least DS is getting less needy. He is definitely getting his "terrible two's attitude" as I call it... but he is growing more and more independent every day and saying more and more words.

The point I'm trying to make is... I have the TIME. Whether or not I have the emotional energy to keep going... that is a different story. But time I have. I don't know how to survive another miscarriage should that occur... but I am working to prevent that. I already filled out a questionnaire for Dr. Braverman to get a consult and maybe do some immune testing on myself. We shall see where that goes. If it is going to add thousands more dollars to the already growing bill I have accumulated... I might have to pass on his recommendations and take my chances... but I just want to give it a shot.

But for now I am just focusing on healing. Healing my body. Healing my mind. Healing my heart. The rest will come.

No comments:

Post a Comment